Parenting Finesse Tips 1-5

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 1
Slow down and look both ways. When your children speak, take a moment to follow traffic basics: Stop. Look. Listen.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 2
Decide ahead of time how the both of you will handle difficult situations with your children. Anticipate problems and play “stop-gap.” This is where you look for ways your kids can get around you discipline and how you will “stop-up” those gaps.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 3
Offer solutions instead of yelling. Point out a way to be helpful. Tell your child what they can do or have versus what they can’t do or have. For example, “You are welcome to go play as soon as you ...clean up your toys” instead of “You can’t go play. You haven’t cleaned up your room yet.” Read that out loud. Can you hear and feel the subtle but significant difference? Your children will hear and feel it, too. This approach helps remove resistance and enhances cooperation.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 4
Refuse Undermining. Make a choice as parents to not undermine each other in front of you children. To say something like, “I sided with you, but Mom won” makes both of you look foolish in your child’s eyes.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 5
Does your Management Team know its Policies and Procedures Manual? Every company has one set of rules, their “policies and procedures,” that every employee is expected to follow. When everyone is on the same page the company is able to run smoother and there’s less conflict about what or how things should be done because expectations are clear. Churches and sports teams do the same. When there is a conflict everyone can defer, and refer, to the same rules versus getting stuck in arguments that go nowhere. Most organized groups do this. Families rarely do. Parents are the management team of the family. Decide on your discipline rules as a team and abide by them consistently. If you cannot come to a compromise that works, do what companies do when they get stuck: Hire a consultant. Seek help from a neutral third party whether that be clergy or counselor. Keep well-meaning, but biased, friends and family out of it.

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SELF-MASTERY Tips 1-5

SELF-MASTERY Tip 1
Self-mastery begins with developing a great relationship with yourself. So, get to know yourself. Learn to love being in your own head. Learn to enjoy your own company.

As a few of the greats have said:
• "All of man's trouble stem from his inability to sit quietly in a room alone."—Blaise Pascal
• “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.” —Wayne W. Dyer
• “If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.” —François de La Rochefoucauld

SELF-MASTERY Tip 2
"Work-Life balance?" No! I don't want such a significant part of my life (work) to be be separate from my life! Whether enjoyable or not, work is a part of life; and a noble part of it. Call it "Work-Home Balance" or "Life Balance" fine. Too many people suffer because of a disconnect among the various aspects of their lives. Thus, integration, not dis-integration, is key.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 3
Be there. When home be home. When at work be at work. When engaging with the customer be fully with the customer. When playing with your child play fully with your child. When listening to your partner listen fully to your partner. Controlling the mind's attention in the present moment is the key to self-mastery and enjoyment of life as it is.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 4
Contentment. "His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him." —Charles Dickens referring to Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Learn to become so simply content that your own heart laughing is sufficient.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 5
Don't try to change everything. Do just one thing different today, this week, or this month. Seek for what Gregory Bateson called "the difference that makes the difference".

How have you developed self-mastery, or how are you developing it currently? Share your ideas below. Thanks.

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Thinking Outside the Barometer

One of my favorite anecdotes is as follows. I like to fact-check and found that this story may be more "apocryphal" than authentic, however, the story is still absolutely fantastic. I have used the story many times and most recently in my "Study Smarter, Not Harder: Strategies for Effective Learning" Workshop.

The Barometer Problem

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The name of the student was Niels Bohr." (1885-1962) Danish Physicist; Nobel Prize 1922; best known for proposing the first 'model' of the atom with protons & neutrons, and various energy state of the surrounding electrons -- the familiar icon of the small nucleus circled by three elliptical orbits ... but more significantly, an innovator in Quantum Theory.

To paraphrase, "I'm fed up with people trying to teach me how to think." Amen! It's fine and good to learn what needs to be learned from traditional tried and true methods, but let's not limit learning just because "that's the way it is." We have fine brains. Let's use them and encourage others to use them: At home, at work and at school. Learn on, my friends. Learn on.

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Marriage Transformation Tips 1-5

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 1
Quantify greatness. Did you know you can actually quantify greatness in relationships? Using Gottman's "Magic" Ratio of 5:1 pos:neg interactions you can CREATE a great relationship. Don't have 5:1 in your relationship? Don't complain, take action. Don't wait for your partner. You be the change!

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 2
Argue your partner's point FOR him/her sincerely and in the the way he/she would argue it him/herself. Then watch defensiveness melt away. Too often we're too busy defending our own points we forget to defend our partner's. As Aristotle said, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Be open to entertaining your partner's ideas fully even if you don't agree. You may learn something.

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 3
Refuse to take your partner for granted. Express sincere appreciation privately and publicly. For example, I wrote on Facebook, "I love Kara, and I know she loves me, but it still amazes me that she is so good to me."

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 4
When talking to your partner, be careful—literally: Be FULL of care. Being careful isn't about walking on eggshells, being FULL of care is saying you matter to me and how I treat you matters to me.

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 5
The relationship is your dojo. Enter with an open mind eager to learn and willing to be challenged. Your partner is the Sensei (Master) of him/her--no one knows your partner better than he/she does. Stop "thinking" you know him/her. You are the Student—study your partner with openness, respect, and reverance. Bow to this Sensei in humility and be schooled today. Your partner is not the enemy—stop fighting him/her. The enemy is what is negative between you both. The enemy is the interaction not the person. Let this Sensei teach you how to remove the barrier to your connection and thus destroy the enemy.

How have you transformed, or how are you transforming, your marriage? Share your ideas below. Thanks.

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For many more ideas, articles, tips and strategies visit http://JonathanSherman.net