The GREAT Relationships Blog

"Everything but the problem"

2010-11-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

"Everything but the problem" is a phrase I came up with several years ago for when people are so in denial that they can only see everything/everyone else as the problem (and spend so much time on those things) instead of addressing the real problem. Funny thing is is that when (if) they start addressing the actual problem all or most of the other perceived problems quickly dissipate. Yet instead so much time and energy is spent and wasted instead on solving every problem except the actual problem.

So simple. So obvious. So often missed.

Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT

Relationship Strategist • Speaker

801.787.8014

www.JonathanSherman.net

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"Create GREATness in Your Relationships"

"Hymn 101"—An Anthem for All Us Real People

2010-11-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

For all of us who try so hard and fail... and still try... just to be known, to be seen, I submit to you this hymn that my brother shared with me.

Hymn 101
Joe Pug

Yeah I've come to know the wishlist of my father.
I've come to know the shipwrecks where he wished.
I've come to wish aloud among the overdressed crowd.
Come to witness now the sinking of the ship.
Throwing pennies from the seatop next to it.

And I've come to roam the forest past the village
With a dozen lazy horses in my cart.
I've come here to get high
To do more than just get by
I've come to test the timber of my heart.
Oh I've come to test the timber of my heart.

And I've come to be untroubled in my seeking.
And I've come to see that nothing is for naught.
I've come to reach out blind
To reach forward and behind
For the more I seek the more I'm sought
Yeah, the more I seek the more I'm sought.

And I've come to meet the sheriff and his posse,
To offer him the broad side of my jaw.
I've come here to get broke,
Then maybe bum a smoke.
We'll go drinking two towns over after all.
Well, we'll go drinking two towns over after all.

And I've come to meet the legendary takers.
I've only come to ask them for a lot.
Oh they say I come with less than I should rightfully possess.
I say the more I buy the more I'm bought.
And the more I'm bought the less I cost.

And I've come to take their servants and their surplus.
And I've come to take their raincoats and their speed.
I've come to get my fill
To ransack and spill.
I've come to take the harvest for the seed.
I've come to take the harvest for the seed.

And I've come to know the manger that you sleep in.
I've come to be the stranger that you keep.
I've come from down the road,
And my footsteps never slowed.
Before we met I knew we'd meet.
Before we met I knew we'd meet.

And I've come here to ignore your cries and heartaches.
I've come to closely listen to you sing.
I've come here to insist
That I leave here with a kiss.
I've come to say exactly what I mean.
And I mean so many things.

And you've come to know me stubborn as a butcher.
And you've come to know me thankless as a guest.
But will you recognize my face
When God's awful grace
Strips me of my jacket and my vest,
And reveals all the treasure in my chest?

Share your thoughts on this song and these lyrics... what do they mean to you/for you?

Teleheath—Giving Clients Greater Choice

2010-11-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

Just did guest interview via Skype for a social work graduate class on the pros and cons of using telehealth in rural settings. I did a tally and found I have/have had clients I have worked with remotely (i.e., via phone, vid, chat) in 13 states, and 5 countries:

USA:
Arizona, California, Colorado, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan, Missouri, New York, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia.

INTERNATIONAL:
Afghanistan, Canada (Alberta and Ontario), England, Mexico, Norway

Telehealth (or remote therapy as I call it) is a fascinating advancement in my field and I'm glad to have been an early adopter. Amazing how technology is helping bring more help to more people, give clients greater choice over their care instead of just "taking what they can get."

Someday I'll post the interview to further illustrate the pros and cons, some considerations on how to do it effectively, etc... or make it into an FAQ for clients.

Note: This map should show Canada highlighted (I've worked with clients in two provinces there).

My Daily Pre-Thanksgiving Gratitude List (updated daily)

2010-11-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

Today, Nov 11th on Veteran's Day I'm thankful for the veterans I know personally:

My dad: George S. Miller, Army, Vietnam
My brother Benjamin J. Sherman, Air Force
My father-in-law: Warner B. Poppleton, Navy
My friend: Rod Morgan, Army, Korea
My friend and colleague: Jason Williams, National Guard, Iraq
My neighbors:

Josh Grace, WWII
Ron Smith, WWII
Lamar Cox, Vietnam
Col. Matt Price, National Guard (Iraq 2x)

My former neighbors:

David Bertele, Marines
Phillip Bertele, National Guard (?)

My ancestor: General William Tecumsah Sherman (Civil War)
Numerous clients I can't name due to confidentiality.

And I'm thankful for the many, many, many more veterans I don't know.

Thank you all!!!

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share in the comments below...

About this ongoing post...
Appreciation and gratitude cover a lot of ground. In my life and in my work gratitude and appreciation help develop self-mastery, transform marriages, reduce stress, improve parenting, increase happiness and develop a sense of well-being.

Our friend and neighbor, Rachelle Upwall, recommended listing one thing a day we were grateful for as a prelude to Thanksgiving. Great idea!

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share...

Previous Days...

Nov 10th, #10: I am thankful for veterans. Last night, in honor of Veteran's Day this week, our Young Men's group went to the homes of two different veterans in our neighborhood and listened to their stories of service as young men in WWII and the Vietnam War. Impressive stories by impressive men. Our freedoms come at a high price. Veteran's Day is tomorrow. Take some time to express your gratitude openly.

Today, Nov 9th, #9: I am grateful for incredibly silly and brilliant people who have dedicated their lives to making people laugh. What a great thing. One person in particular I'm grateful for is John Cleese and the Monty Python crew. I submit for your viewing pleasure The Minisitry of Silly Walks sketch:

Nov 8th, #8: I am grateful for THE best chicken pot pie on the planet! OMY! (oh my yum!) Surrounded by my awesome family and our dear friend.

Nov 7th, #7: I am grateful for the inspired, creative author who penned the words below that centuries later still stir my soul and remind me to be at peace. I am grateful for the skilled composer who created the melody that so perfectly was used to convey the words. I am grateful for the talented singers who bring it all to life.

Hymn: Be Still, My Soul
Author: Written by Katharina von Schlegel in 1752
Tune: The Finlandia Hymn, composed by Jean Sibelius in 1899 and 1900
Singers: Libera Boys Choir

Be still my soul - the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change - he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul - thy best thy heavenly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul - when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the vale of tears,
then shalt thou better know his love - his heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul - the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them - while he dwelt below.

Be still my soul the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment - grief and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot - love's purest joys restored,.
Be still my soul - when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed - we shall meet at last.

Nov 6th, #6: I am grateful for a lawn to mow and a home to live in.

Nov 5th, #5: I am thankful today for opportunities. What kind? You name it: Opportunities... afforded by living in a free country; to work; to learn from mistakes; to learn from intelligent, compassionate and wise people; to better myself; to provide for my family—both their physical and emotional needs; to serve; to be served; to stand up for others; to be kind; to practice my faith; to learn from other faiths; and many more.

Nov 4th, #4: I am grateful today for my courageous clients: The odds-defiers, the chain-breakers, the marriage transformers, the destiny creators. These brave and wise souls take full ownership of their lives and reject the shackles of history, ignorance, despair and habit. I am grateful that I am inspired daily by these dear people who let me into their lives and witness such beautiful and powerful change.

Nov 3rd, #3: I am thankful for my Treasures (Adam, Emily, Molly and Matthew).

Nov 2nd, #2: "Everything's Amazing and Nobody's Happy" clip. Funny and so true.

Nov 1st, #1: Since my wife is 1st I'll start there. To my wife, Kara, this morning I wrote on her Facebook wall: "I was just looking at pictures you've posted here of our family... having a 'moment'... and loving you so much for the family you've made for me. I love you and our kids forever."

What are YOU grateful for today? Please share...

Self-Mastery Tip: Feel, Align, Delight = Peace

2010-11-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

A friend just shared this quote with me which I believe is at the heart of developing self-mastery:

"There is nothing to attain, just feeling, delighting, and aligning."
—The Heart of Transformation, by John Friend (Anusara Yoga)

Right on! Some scriptures came to mind in response to that quote:

"Peace, be still!", "Be still, and know that I am God"
— Quiet the storm and connect with quiet FEELING and just know.

"The kingdom of God is within you", "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
— just ALIGN with what already is. Stop fighting what "should" be and align with what truly IS inside you and around you.

"Consider the lilies of the field...", "Rejoice in the day the Lord has made."
— DELIGHTING in what is all around us already. Rarely do we take the time to consider, delight and rejoice. The old cliché of "stop and smell the roses" is wise indeed.

And while, as the quote states above, "there is nothing to attain", paradoxically while we stop trying to attain and instead focus on feeling, aligning and delighting the result is attainment of the most precious experience of all: peace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you."

Peace,
Jonathan

Parenting Tip: "Children Will Listen" sung by Mandy Patinkin

2010-11-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

Children Will Listen
Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods
Sung by Mandy Patinkin

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey,
but children will listen
Children will look to you
for which way to turn
To learn what to be
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"
Children will listen

How do you say to your child in the night?
Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white
How do you say it will all be all right
When you know that it mightn't be true?
What do you do?

Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free
Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

The rest of the lyrics:

How can you say to a child who's in flight
"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"
What can you say that no matter how slight Won't be misunderstood
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in it's head
Things that you're mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see
And learn, oh guide them that step away
Children will glisten
Tample with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"

Self-Mastery: The Wolves Inside You

2010-11-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me.. it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One wolf represents fear, anger, …envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too," he added.

The grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."

Source: I had heard this story years ago and recently found it on Deb Wilson's great blog:

Why compassion for other's weaknesses, shortcomings and faults?

2010-11-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Why compassion for other's weaknesses, shortcomings and faults? I just read a simple and good answer in Catching Fire (2nd book in The Hunger Games trilogy, p.32):

"Because sometimes things happen to people and they're not equipped to deal with them."

Too often we hold people to the standard of our own preparation and abilities, when the truth is not all are equipped the same. Compassion creates space to learn and become equipped. Judgment creates no space, only demands immediate compliance.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

To the Critics and Naysayers of World:

2010-11-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

My Open Letter to the Critics and Naysayers of World:

Besides your criticisms, Monday morning quarterbacking, and fault-finding of those who actually DO take action, what have you actually DONE yourself? If the answer is nothing, keep your mouth shut.

Thank you,
The Doers of the World

I get weary of all the know-it-alls who are quick to problem-talk, reject solutions, discourage rather than encourage, dash dreams, be loudly pessimistic, give reason after reason why it "can't be done", etc. I've come to the point where I'm done listening to those who don't or won't contribute to improving life. Critics contribute nothing. To paraphrase Yoda, "DO or do not" and if you are a "do not" then keep quiet.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Self-Mastery Tip: The Question of Fair

2010-11-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

In regards to the question of "fair":

Life isn't fair. Waiting for it to be, or expecting it to be, is the fast track to suffering and insanity;
That being said, it is our responsibility to be fair and to make the systems we live in (family, government, work, etc) as fair as possible. This elevates us to a nobler status as human beings as itallows us to rise above "just what we've been given." Doing so allows us to leverage our ability to create and improve.

Thus, stop waiting for life to be fair. Just get to work today and make it as fair as you can. Start with being fair yourself.

Let's hear your ideas...
Instead of complaining about life, work, your marriage not being fair, what do you DO to make it fair?

"The boogie that be"—Silly Dads Sound Off!

2010-10-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? I bet there are plenty. What funny, silly, ridiculous, self-abasing things do you do to make your kids laugh?

Me? Oh mercy! More than I can mention here, but the picture to the right shows my two youngest dancing in my office as they are being introduced to "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang (listen below) by their father (me) who still knows all the words to the oldest of the old school rappers (Sugarhill Gang, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, etc). Fortunately, there are no pictures of my dancing... except for the memories of it in their mind which is just the very picture I want them to have.

A few weeks ago I full out sang some Grandmaster Flash to my 14-year-old daughter—I remember it word for word from way back in 7th grade when it was THE cutting edge. I think she was traumatized, but man was it worth it! I'm sure she told her friends of the horror and I'll never forget the look of mingled amazement (that I actually knew all those words) and disgust (that her 41-year-old hefty white father was rapping!). Well, she may need some therapy, but hey, I've got to look out for my profession and make sure that my colleagues of the future have plenty of clients...

Any other silly fathers out there besides me? Let's hear the lengths you go to get a laugh from your mini minions...

It may be obvious, but I like to make it even more so.

2010-09-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

It may be obvious that I love my family madly, crazy, nutso, gonzo, but I like to make it even more so.

It's just hard hard to make anyone feel too loved or appreciated. I like to flood my family with as many subtle and obvious messages that they are noticed, loved and wonderful.

How do YOU appreciate your family? Please share your ideas.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

The Soul of Compassion: Understanding

2010-09-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves."
—Ender Wiggin, in Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

The key to a GREAT relationship is REALLY understanding, which is the soul of compassion. To know someone so fully that you can see past what you disagree with about them to what really makes them tick. To fully understand them as they are instead of as they "should" be opens up the door to truly loving someone.

How do we then really understand someone? It requires a lot of shutting up and a lot of listening. Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

Shutting Up
Shutting up is not about just closing the mouth, it is about opening the mind to what the person is really saying—to where you can hear them from their hopes and dreams and pain and desperation. It is not about shutting down your opinions. It is about shutting off the noise of your opinions, judgments, corrections, and criticisms long enough so you can really heart what the other is trying to really express even if they are doing it poorly.

Deep Listening
Listen for what is really being said. Listen for their suffering that is at the root of what they are expressing. Connect to it and let the compassion you feel for suffering well up inside of you.

But what if you don't agree? Fortunately, you don't have to agree to listen well. Understanding ≠ agreement, so don't get bogged down in "Yeah, but I just don't agree with what you're saying." Instead, listen so deeply to what is being said that you connect with their suffering in a such a way that your compassion is triggered. When you connect to your compassion they will feel that compassion in your speech and body language. Then they will feel understood. Then they will feel safe with you. That is the deep place that we use deep listening to take us to.

My dad, and educator, once gave me a book on teaching and learning called To Know as We Are Known. The title says it all. That is the secret of what we all want: to be known by others as we know ourselves. That kind of knowing is true understanding which is the very soul of compassion.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts on how YOU use compassion to listen and understand better as well as what gets in your way...

"Create Your GREAT Relationship Brand" Workshop

2010-09-23T19:32:00.001-07:00

"Create Your GREAT Relationship Brand" workshop/fireside this weekend. Hope to see ya there! http://ping.fm/qN59A

Where Do You Draw the Musical Line with Your Kids?

2010-09-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, I got the following question in my email

"Parenting question for you: How do you handle music with explicit lyrics of the swear word type? While I’m pretty much anti-censorship, parenting presents some exceptions to this thinking for me. For example, I really don’t want the kids listening to songs about abuse, rape, torture, other extreme violence, and probably some other stuff I’ve not yet heard but that is out there. Both my wife and I would like to know to what extent you’ve limited, if you’ve had to, your own children’s music listening. What has brought this to mind is a popular song our kids want that has the sh** word multiple times – something the kids hear at school already. There’s a kids version of this song available, sung by kids, but our kids don't like it. If you have a few words regarding what has worked in your family, I’d like to hear them."

Great question.

SHORT ANSWER:
Basic rule: If we don't use that language in our home we don't invite it in our home, either.

LONG ANSWER:
We don't want content (language, images, materials, etc) in our home that we don't speak, hold value to or wouldn't appreciate a guest in our home saying or doing. Just as we would expect a polite guest in our home to respect our values (even if they don't agree with those values) we expect the musicians and actors that we invite into our homes (in a virtual manner via the doors of media) to respect our "house rules". So if we don't use the sh** word in our home we ask the kids to self-censor their own music to respect our home.

Without lecturing, discuss what is appropriate in your home and why.
Generally, they do respect that rule, however, naturally kids want to try their own thing and there have been times when our teens have had inappropriate music in the home. When that happens, and when I notice it, I'll point out the inappropriate content and why it's inappropriate. Sometimes they just listen without paying attention and are genuinely surprised at the content when it's shown to them. Other times they just "say" they didn't know, when in reality they liked the edgy content. Sometimes honestly they didn't understand the reference, context, innuendo, implications or meaning of a phrase. In those cases I'll explain it to them and appeal to their sense of decency and ask what they think about listening to a song that has a great beat, is artistically done, but is conveying a violent, foul, misogynistic, overly sexualized, etc message. Either way, I point it out and re-establish the house rule (see short answer above).

Have rules that appeal to reason.
I think most kids understand and can respect the congruity and logic behind this approach, instead of the weaker, specious reason of the parental stand-by of, "Because I said so". They especially respect it when they know that's "just the way it's always been in our home" from a young age, like you're doing now. Then when they are teens the rule's not challenged that much. Why not? Teens generally don't feel a need to rebel much against rules and systems that make sense and are fair.

Music is more than music: It's exploration.
All that being said, Kara and I, like you, don't want to stifle their musical tastes and so allow a lot of lee-way with the kids choices in music as we understand the importance of music with expression and identity. So basically, pretty much anything is okay so long as it doesn't violate our basics. I believe firmly in the importance of kids, especially teens, to be able to experiment and try our different musical styles, clothes, ideas, etc as external means of exploring what resonates with them and what doesn't. As such, I keep an open mind to music and have pleasantly been exposed to several bands they like that I have come to like, too, such as Death Cab for Cutie, Mayday Parade, Arcade Fire, Weezer, Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park. In turn have been able to turn them on to some of my music such as The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Wolfmother, Band of Horse, Bob Marley, Enya, Jimmy Eat World, The White Stripes, Norah Jones, George Winston, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and peaceful Zen-esque bamboo flute music. There's still plenty of their music I can't get into and vice-versa, but the message is that musical differences are encouraged and respected. Further, because musical variety is respected I think it makes it easier for them to share their favorites with them and vice-versa which expands all of our awareness. The basic message in our house is that "We love good music" meaning that it's music we enjoy, is well done/creative, speaks to us, and that abides by our basic standards. That leaves the house open to enjoy a broad range of eclectic musical tastes from classical, opera, country, alternative rock, pop, classic rock, punk, folk, funk, rockabilly, hard rock, rap, etc.

Be okay taking a stand with your standard.
Sometimes kids will say, "What's the big deal, I hear that at school all the time?" My response, "I agree, you do hear it at school. How often do you hear it here?" I want them to know that standards are standards (meaning they stand/stay) and that ours don't get watered down, blown over or become value-neutral just because other people have different or no standards.

Balance openness with boundaries.
There is definitely a balance between being open and not having clear boundaries. I think when it comes to music we've done well in this area. They kids know they have tremendous freedom with their musical choice and expression within fair and reasonable limits. The limits are based in reasonable expectations to basically listen to music that is respectful of our home specifically and of people in general.

Musical preference is instructive and informative.
Kids music is often diagnotist/informative to me. Not in a sense that I use their music to limit them by labeling or pigeon-holing them. But, as a means of understanding what they are drawn to and find interesting. It's also a great medium to connect and discuss what's important to them. I invite them to tell me who's playing, what they like about it, interesting facts about the band/song, etc. It's interesting to find out what they value, feel and think that I might not otherwise learn without the medium of discussing what's important to them about their music and it's meaning to them.

Here's a simple activity:
Unless it's blatantly inappropriate, take a moment to really listen to your kids music. Pick some that you generally don't enjoy. Don't limit your perception based on whether you like it or not, but consider fully why it might appeal to your child. Sit with the music for a while. Get up and dance to it. Get into the "groove" and experience it as it is. You still might not like it, but you may find you've learned something about it and more importanly about your child. Surprise your child with, "You know I listened to (band name) that you like so much, and I have to say I really like (song name). I was surprised because I didn't think I would like it, but I did, and here's why.... What do you like about (band name)?"

Whew! That may be more than you asked, but it's a great question that I've thought about a lot and it was fun for me to be able to put the thoughts down.

Your thoughts?
This is what works in our home. Please share with us what works in your home. Readers, where do YOU draw the musical line with your kids?

Stress-Busting Tip: Use the Biology of Touch

2010-09-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

The biology of touch is simply this: hugging, hand holding, encouraging hand on arm or shoulder, or a simple neck or back rub decreases cortisol (the stress hormone), increases oxytocin (the "cuddle" hormone that increases bonding) which both result in lowered blood pressure.

The biology is there within us to manage stress. Let's use it, touch (human and yes, canine as in the picture above, too), frequently to help ourselves and others.

Thus, the important interplay of relationships, emotions and biology. Relationships are the key to so many aspects. It is in relationships that our emotions are challenged the most and thus we get the opportunity because of those challenges to develop emotion regulation and mastery skills. As we improve our ability to manage our emotions in our relationships we decrease the impact of stress on our bodies. Thus, the finding that people in long-term healthy marriages live on average seven years longer than their single or divorced counterparts. Less stress equals less wear and tear on our cells the emotional flood of cortisol and adrenaline isn't as frequent nor as long-lasting. Less wear and tear = longer life. Further the oxytocin and endorphins that healthy relating release further ease stress and buffer our emotions from additional stress = longer life.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Quick Bonding Activity: "All About..."

2010-09-19T09:11:00.001-07:00

Occasionally, in church I like to pass around to each family member a piece of paper titled, "All About (Name): (Name) Is..."
And then let each family member add whatever kind observation about that person.

The benefits are simple and important: The writer is able to reflect on the good qualities of that person and the recipient gets to feel great and appreciated. It's a quick, simple, yet meaningful, way to feel connected and to further solidify the family bond and loyalty to one another. It's also interesting and fun to find out what each other notices about each other.

So today, I did one on myself as dad and one for the kids mom. Here's what we learned about each other from our kids.

"Hey Kids: Your Dad Is..."

From my daughter (14): "something, funny, goofy, dorky, 'smrat', Jonathin/Jonafat, creative."
From my son (16): "interesting, a good drawer, cool, a good sword fighter, good at helping with problems."
From my daughter (11): "strange, funny, smart, creative and helpful."
From my son (9): "smart, funny, weird, awesome."

"All About Mom: Mom Is..."

16: "good food and laundry--he he--just kidding but really too, loving, caring, funny, a good dancer, can make my friends laugh."
14: "she's prettyyyyyy :), silly , a good cook, good at shopping, distracted a lot, goofy, loving"
11: "funny, nice, pretty, loving, dog loving, sweet, good cook."
9: "she calls dad 'Pootie', she's pretty, funny, likes 'bunnies', best food ever!"

I don't know anyone who tires of hearing nice things said about them. You just can't over-appreciate someone, folks.

Give it a try and share how it goes for ya.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Teaching Children Anger Management

2010-09-15T23:54:00.001-07:00

Taught 11-year-old daughter learning to control her anger is as learnable as controlling a car via the speedometer, steering wheel, gas/brakes of emotion regulation. She felt bad before about not being able to control her anger and was crying, poor thing.

I'll post the copies of the worksheets she and I came up with together and sometime I'll describe the process in greater depth. For now, let me just share: She felt empowered! I love being able to help my children navigate the tricky waters of life.

Any Dad's Relate to the Work of the Woman, the Craft of the Father?

2010-09-07T09:47:00.001-07:00

Any dads relate?

Watch this: http://ping.fm/qRsHP

"I stand outside this woman's work."

"Now starts the craft of the father."

Please honor the mother of your children. Work your craft to be a father of honor.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 10: Keep Consequences Simple, Logical & Lecture Free

2010-07-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Keep consequences simple, logical and lecture free. For example, lately on Sunday mornings my kids have been dawdling and ending up being late for church. No big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, it's the type of the thing that parents typically get bothered by when it happens repeatedly. As parents we feel a responsibility to teach and guide our children towards respectful and appropriate behavior, such as punctuality.

So, this morning I informed them, "Hey pals: Whoever's ready on time just goes to church once today and anyone who is late will get to go to a second church meeting with me later today." (Oh horror!).

One sentence (no lecture), simple, logical, and because they know "I say what I mean and mean what I say" that it would be consistenly applied (i.e., they know whining won't work to distract me from applying the consequence, which is another key parenting principle). Too often, good parents waste their breath (and energy) with explanations, pleading, scolding, threatening and guilt trips which all turn into long-winded, overly-involved, frequently escalated and mostly ineffective lectures. Keep it simple, keep it logical, and keep it lecture free.

http://rel8gr8.com

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

2010-07-13T01:55:00.001-07:00

Here's the Summer Driving Jams playlist with vids. Thx all for the suggestions. http://bit.ly/aASa6b

2010-07-13T01:52:00.001-07:00

So here's the Summer Driving Playlist with Vids I came up with for the road-trip. Thanks for the suggestions all! http://ping.fm/rTv0x?note_id=423689538472

Parenting Finesse Tip 9: Tell Less. Explore More

2010-07-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

1
"When you give your children knowledge, you are telling them what you think. That is, you are telling them what they are supposed to know, what you want them to understand is true.

"When you give your children wisdom, you do not tell them what to know, or what is true, but, rather, how to get to their own truth."

—Neale Donald Walsch

There is much that our children need to be taught of right and wrong. That is certainly important. In addition, what is even more important is that they be taught not only how to think, but how to know themselves enough to learn to know their own authentic truth. This they must learn to do on their own. They do need guidance, but guide. Don't take over.

As soon as you get into lecture mode is where you take over their thinking and they become resistant to your teachings. Be careful that while you teach that you don't do their thinking for them. The best strategy for this is to speak less than you ask questions. Then listen long and draw out their thinking and ideas. Explore and support their thinking with them where you can. Respectfully challenge their thinking when it needs to be.

Peace,
J

Many, many, many, many, many, many more ideas at rel8gr8.com

SELF-MASTERY Tip 14: Allow Yourself to Fail

2010-07-08T17:38:00.001-07:00

Get out of your way and don't let others get in your way. Accept your failures and take the risks. Learn from them. Adapt. And give it another go.

Soichiro Honda (yes, the founder of Honda Motor Co.) said,

"Success is 99% failure."

Joss Stone put it this way...

"I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown.
I got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
See I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone."
—Joss Stone, "Right to Be Wrong"

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://rel8gr8.com —

2010-07-07T01:28:00.001-07:00

I just have to say I LOVE my clients. I LOVE helping them create truly GREAT relationships. I LOVE to see them defy the odds! Rock on all!

Dads, Do Your Kids Know?

2010-06-20T14:37:00.001-07:00

Dads, do your kids KNOW that you love them? Years ago, before I had children I was taught this quote by a pioneer in the field of child development, Urie Brofenbrenner:

"Every child deserves at least one adult who is absolutely crazy about them."

Amen! We, as fathers, are uniquely poised to be that one to provide our children with the love and protection that only we can provide and that they so desperately crave and deserve.

Today, and frequently, I'll find simple verbal and non-verbal ways to let them know they are loved by their father. For example, today in church I passed the above sheet around to the fam with the simple beginning sentence string of "Em is..."

The lower left hand section are her answers:

"...freakin' awesome ...smart ...different ...musical ...spazzy ...cool ...nice ...unique ...funny"

This is the self-concept I am pleased to see a 13-year-old young woman develop as she prepares to enter adulthood.

This was my answer:

"...my DEAR daughter whom I love, am proud of, makes me laugh, is talented, bright, is AMAZING to me, is lovely in every sense of the word, and is the joy of my life!!!"

Her mom wrote,

...has ticklish bunnies [inside joke], has a great sense of humor, is beautiful inside and out, talented in so many ways, a good friend, a good girl, and I love her!"

Her siblings added a few extra nice and silly things as well.

How likely do you think a young woman with this kind of self-concept is likely to put up with being treated poorly by a guy? How confident do you think she'll feel to try new things? Will she have a place of internal security and refuge to turn to with this sense of self when she goes through the dark times of self-doubt that besiege us in this life?

As you can see, it's a lot more than just a little activity to keep us occupied during a church meeting. As they face a difficult world that often doesn't make sense how crucial it is to hear, and to KNOW, that the most significant and powerful man in their lives is "absolutely crazy about them".

This knowing creates a sense of security and identity that will protect them through all their life's struggles in a way no other force can. Without that powerful knowlege, insecurity and a weak sense of self flourish.

Dads, you are needed. You need to be powerful in your children's lives. They need to daily know of, and see, your love for them. It can be as simple as many sincere, simple and silly little methods as the one above.

So to the great dads out there, and to the ones who are turning it around, I wish you a Happy Fathers Day. Let them KNOW of your love for them. Don't ration it out. Flood them with it.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://rel8gr8.com —

2010-06-07T17:26:00.001-07:00

Okay, who besides me, is GEEKING out over the iPhone 4? Prepare to hear detractors now who in 6 mos will have copycat phones! Guaranteed!

2010-06-06T23:51:00.001-07:00

If you're awesome and you know it let me hear it...

2010-05-28T13:57:00.001-07:00

Fabulous breakthrough in mental health research! The more we learn the more elegant and core our solutions become. Bravo! http://ping.fm/pQIcE

2010-05-27T21:34:00.001-07:00

Starting "Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teens" group for parents & their teens over the summer. 12 hours over 8 weeks. Who's interested?

2010-05-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

GeekQ? "Fav Star Wars character and why?"

2010-05-26T13:53:00.001-07:00

The GREAT Relationship Masters Project: Carl & Ellie from Pixar's "UP!"â€”http://bit.ly/9VbsEm

2010-05-26T12:01:00.001-07:00

8/52 Love Songs Projectâ€”Love your partner more. "In My Life"â€”Beatlesâ€”Song, note & GR Principleâ€”http://bit.ly/c3v2Xp

2010-05-26T11:00:00.001-07:00

PARENTING FINESSE TIPâ€”Teach Your Kids to "Fail" Gloriouslyâ€”http://bit.ly/aasey1

2010-05-26T07:50:00.001-07:00

GRQ? "What suggestions do you have for resolving conflicts with spouse and/or children? What works, what doesn't?"

Teaching Kids to "Fail" Gloriously!

2010-05-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Last night for our Family Night I taught an activity on making mistakes, failing and never giving up as the path to succeeding in life. Here's all the stuff you need so you can do the same with your family.

Prep:

Go to my parent site http://rel8gr8.com/FamousFailures and Print out a copy (pages 1-3) for each person of my "Say 'Nay' to the Naysayers" article which lists many Famous "Failures" and one copy of the "Scavenger Hunt List" (pages 4-5). Don't let them see the answer sheet.
Print out one copy (at the same site) of the "'Stupid', Mistakes and 'Failure'" coloring/discussion posters (there are nine total, only five are shown above).
Crayons, colored pencils, or markers.
Tape.
A treat.

Activity:

Place the Scavenger Hunt List, tape, crayons/colored pencils/markers in the center of the table.
Have the group as a whole go get the scavenger hunt items and/or have each person pick two or three things they will go get. Don't tell them what the lesson is about yet.
Once everyone has retrieved their items, hand out the "Say 'Nay' to Naysayers" article. Explain to younger children that "nay" means "no" and that "naysayers" are people who say things can't be done. Tell them that many famous people failed a lot before they were ever famous.
Have them all read through the article and find the person their item goes with.
Explain that failure doesn't always mean failure. That failure actually is the frequent path the successful take.
Share the Japanese proverb for success: "Fall down seven, get up eight." The difference between people who fail and those who succeed is just not giving up.
Have everyone take turns reading aloud to the rest of the group about the Famous "Failure" they found.
Pass out the "Mistakes, 'Stupid, and Failure" coloring/discussion posters (you can do this one in the same activity or if attention is waning you can save this part for a follow-up lesson/discussion). Tell everyone that while they are coloring theirs you will go prepare the treat (we made Oreo shakes). As you are all enjoying your treat, have everyone take a turn showing their poster and reading it to the group. Let them share their thoughts on what it means and discuss.
Have everyone take their poster and tape it up somewhere around the house (next to the bathroom mirror, on doors, on the fridge, on the wall next to the toilet, on the wall next to the back door, etc).

Did you try the activity? Tell us about your experience? Whether or not you did the activity, tell us what YOU think about failure, mistakes, learning and success.

Quick Appreciation

2010-05-16T09:14:00.001-07:00

Here's. Quick and simple way to flood your family with appreciation.

1. Take a sheet of paper and write at the top: "Write as Many Nice Things as You Can About..."

2. List each person's name with plenty of space between.

3. Pass this sheet around to each family member and have them write as many nice things about each person.

4. Read the responses aloud as a family.

5. Discuss as a family and share how it feels to hear nice things said about you.

(the picture above is the one we just did today).

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

2010-05-12T09:31:00.001-07:00

★ STRESS-Busting Quotes ★
"In times of stress, be bold and valiant." —Horace

2010-05-12T09:27:00.001-07:00

★ STRESS-Busting Quotes ★ "Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency." —Natalie Goldberg

2010-05-12T09:04:00.001-07:00

★ SELF-MASTERY Tip 12: Fear Not ★
This is one of the single best responses to fear I have ever come across. Repeat it over and over and over:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
—Bene Gessert litany against fear, from Frank Herbert's Dune
Want more? Visit The GREAT Relationships eZine: http://ping.fm/lOgVe

18 Creating GREAT Relationships FAQs

2010-05-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

The following questions have been collected from pre-questionnaires I submit to church groups before I speak to them. Many of the questions are universal and of interest to many so I thought I'd share them here with you.

These 18 questions cover the following areas:

Communication and Conflict
Ongoing Courtship and Relationship Building
Children
In-laws
Other Common Couple Issues

These questions are great questions and many require longer responses, coaching, time and practice to get them right. These responses are quick, brief responses to very complex questions. These responses are to provide general guidelines and are not meant to address any person’s specific issues. Don’t hesitate to seek out further help in getting your questions answered fully.

These questions have been modified to make them generally applicable to most people. Any specific, or identifying details have been removed or altered to keep them general so they are applicable as well as to protect privacy.

COMMUNICATION and CONFLICT

1. We fight in front of our children, should we do this?

No. You need to present a united front to children. "Get united or get divided" is the rule here. I never blame children for working their parents against each other. If the parental unit isn't clear and the kids can work it then more power to them. However, this is far from desirable and it is not good for anyone.
Unless, if using fair fighting rules where kids can see effective conflict engaged in/modeled for them.

2. What is the best way to work on communication?

Deep listening skills are the most important. Learn them and practice, practice, practice them!
See various communication articles, Building Strong Families, etc at www.bardos.net
There is a LOT to this answer. Read, read, read, practice, practice, practice. Get coaching from a third party.

3. I like to argue and discuss certain things that concern me. My spouse would prefer to ignore the situation. Help!

Most people avoid conflict because it’s not safe and structured. Think about it? Most people hate conflict, but love sports, card games, and board games. The differences is that sports and games are safe and structured (clear rules that are mutually understood and agreed upon) conflict. Most relational conflict is neither safe nor structured.
Women: Watch how you start up an argument. Have you checked to see if your spouse is ready for a discussion or did you just ambush him? Mutual consent is essential before you can move forward.
Men: Accept your wife’s influence. Practice listening to her concerns w/o trying to “fix” her concerns.
See Rules for Fair Fighting and other articles at www.bardos.net/resources

4. It is ever appropriate to correct your spouse in front of others? Or should it always be done in private?

What would you prefer if it were you?
Personally, I rarely prefer to be corrected, so if I really do need to be corrected, I would hope that the person would do it discretely (privately), respectfully, clearly and gently.
The old rule is “Praise publicly, condemn privately.”
A side note: remember, your spouse is your partner and friend. It’s not your job to correct him/her. You have zero control over your spouse nor should you. You can, though, ask for what you want. You have no right to tell them what to do.

5. Do opposites really attract? How do you accept your differences?

"Like attracts like"—true. "Opposites attract"—true.
Start accepting your differences by respecting your differences. Pretend your spouse is another country. You don’t go to another country looking for what’s wrong with the language, customs and foods. You go there to explore and try out the differences. You don’t like everything, but you don’t criticize what you don’t like, instead you celebrate, enjoy, get stretched by what you do like and by what’s different. When’s the last time you took that same approach w/ your spouse? When’s the last time you looked at your spouse through those eyes? Been a long time? Never? Well, good. The time is now. Try it. Study your partner. Take out a sheet of paper. List all the differences and then list the value of those differences. List the similarities you share. List the value of those similarities. What can you learn from your partner’s differences? What can he or she teach you? How you can you practice getting out of your comfort zone and stretch yourself because of your spouses differences? How can you practice the Gospel of Jesus Christ with those differences rather than respond with impatience and irritation? Many questions, yes. Many opportunities for growth.

ONGOING COURTSHIP and RELATIONSHIP BUILDING

6. How can we show more appreciation towards each other over the little things we do?

See Power of Gratitude free articles and worksheets at www.bardos.net/gratitude

7. What is a good way to remind my husband, that even though, we are married we still need to date? And he needs to be the one asking and planning something?

See my articles Valentine’s All Year, Daily Romance (Parts I and II).
He needs to ask and plan, AND you need to ask and plan, too. To keep it simple, just take turns each week planning the date and asking the other out.
Ask me about my Four Date Night Rules.
The GREAT Relationship Principle here is: Ask specifically and respectfully for what you DO want vs. complaining or hinting about what you didn't get. Ask for what you want him to do. Don’t complain, don’t hint, don’t demand, don’t require. Ask, don't tell. Ask, request, specifically. Do not expect him to “get it” if you don’t ask specifically for what you want. This type of expecting is immature and adolescent, however, most adult women want men to “just know.” Get over it and assert your needs respectfully and clearly. You may not like this approach, but most men appreciate this and you’ll find that you get more of what you want—which you will like the outcome even if you don’t like the approach.
I am working on a "GREAT Dates Guide", with hundreds of date ideas. If you'd like an advanced proof just send me your email address at jonathan@jonathansherman.net and let me know you want it and I'll send it to you as a freebie!

8. How do we keep the fun in our marriage? Is it wrong to get too comfortable?

It’s not wrong, it’s just stupid. You don’t buy a car and then never check and change the oil over the next 7 years. You don’t buy a house, not mow the lawn for 10 years, and then wonder why the yard looks so cruddy. Yet, for some reason we think we can get married and then let our marriages just run on autopilot. Maintenance, upkeep and enhancement is not only smart in vehicles, houses and marriages, it also keeps the value as well as often causes the value to appreciate over time.

Family work in the home: How to split house and family duties?

Ask me to talk about The OUR Way Plan

What about differing sex drives and interest? Help!

Well, you MAY have noticed by now that men and women are different. Yes? Great. With that being said, STOP expecting him or her to be like you. Men typically want sex more, women typically want sex less.
So men: ease up—stop grabbing her every 10 seconds. Really, it's not fun for her after being "pawed" all day by kids who want things from her it just feels like she's being "pawed" more by someone who wants more from her. She's wiped out. She feels like she doesn't have any more to give. She needs to be related with, not sexed up. K? So listen to her (listen, don't fix or debate), attend to her, come home and ask what she needs help with, notice things that need to be done and do them without being asked, listen for hints and respond favorably to her suggestions. Women forget to ask men outright for what they want and by the time they do it often comes out "naggy". So pre-empt that by tuning in more attentively. And if she wants to cuddle up next to you it means "cuddle me." It does not mean "please grab my boob." Touch her frequently in non-sexual ways with non-sexual expectations.
Women: Sex isn't bad. And it's NOT true that your man "just wants sex" or that he's a "pig" because all he thinks about is sex. He wants you. That's a compliment. Take it as such. Let him know you want him. Be playful with him physically: Grab his butt, make cute sexy teasing references and innuendos. And please, don't give sex begrudgingly and don't say, "Okay, let's get it over with." Sheesh. That's insulting wouldn't you agree? If you don't like sex, that's okay, but work on it together as a couple vs. avoid it.
Feel free to come talk to me together or individually. There's a LOT that can be done to increase sexual understanding and satisfaction for both. But, please please please don't argue about sex. Why? Arguing pushes each other away when we're trying to attract each other more. Duh, right? But often we miss this one. The way to attract your partner to you is to DO the things your partner finds attractive.

9. What to do when my husband is too busy, stressed, tired, etc. to give me the attention and affection that I want?

See the above two questions
Pssst! Hint to my brothers: If this is such a frequently asked question (and TRUST me, it is! Not only were 4 out of 16—one quarter—of the questions from your own ward focused on this topic, I’ve also been hearing this one from hundreds and hundreds of women all over the country for the last 13 years) then maybe there’s something to it. The bad news is that few men get this. The good news is that few men get this—thus if you become one of the few who do get it then you’ll be earning big-time points all over the place. Don’t believe me? Ask 10 women and get back to me if I’m wrong. Believe, me, the sisters who are reading this right now are nodding their heads in agreement and are hoping and praying that you’ll be one of the few who “get it.” Give the attention and affection your wife wants and needs and see your marriage and your standing in her eyes go through the roof! You will be bragged about (great feeling by the way, to earn your “braggin’ rights” and be one of the few who get it). Major brownie points here. Major brownie points.

10. Family Time.

Love, bottom line folks, is spelled T-I-M-E. That may sound cheesy, but it's still true. Too much time in front of the TV, computer, handheld, or video games interferes with relationship time and is a great way to tell your partner and children what matters most—and the message is "not them." Since that's not the message you want to send, of course, then set limits on screen time as a family and abide by those limits.
Increase family time by:

Having dinner together as a family and refuse to take phone calls or answer the door during dinner. Don't know what to talk about or get a conversation going? Get the Family Talk cards. They are great conversation starters that little kids and teens enjoy. Make sure to listen to their answers and not debate their answers;
Having Family Night every week;
Having Date Night with your partner every week;
Turn off the various screens in the house and play board games, games out in the backyard, go to the park. Focus on BEING together more than DOING something.

Don't wait for these things to happen. Schedule them as you would any work, school or doctor-related appointment and keep these appointments with your family. As the old song counseled, "Take time to make time, make time to be there." (Lady, by The Little River Band)

CHILDREN

11. What is an appropriate way to get kids to eat? Should we force them to eat or not worry about it?

Simple. Do not force. It’s very simple. For example, our kids know they can eat or not eat. Those that eat get dessert later (if we are having it) and/or snacks later. Those that don’t eat don’t get dessert or snacks at all. What should they have to eat? X number of bites that you specify is the “ticket” for getting dessert or snack privileges later.
If they complain they are hungry later simply respond, “I know, but don’t worry. You can have a big breakfast in the morning.” As they whine and complain just repeat that sentence over and over broken record style. Do NOT give into whining or complaining—ever!

12. What are some good ways to set strict rules that cannot be negotiated, because they are too important and have children (especially teens) feel like they are not feeling picked on?

First, get and read Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. If you have younger children, get and read Parenting with Love and Logic. Don’t just read it, practice it, try it, get out of your comfort zone, stick to the ideas and approaches, re-read it again two more times, go to a parenting class together. Keep practicing. Repeat.
Don’t be afraid to be your children’s parents. It’s okay to be their friend, too, but be willing to be a parent first always even if it means them not liking you. You can have enough love for both of you in the parent-child relationship when the child is angry with you.
Kids won’t feel overly picked on (they’ll still feel picked on) and will accept discipline much better when relationship building is central to your relationship, rather than just dealing with discipline issues. See the Building strong Families series of articles for some ideas at www.bardos.net/StrongFamilies

13. What about anger, yelling and lecturing?

Good question. Anger, yelling and lecturing are the BEST ways to reinforce the very behaviors you are trying to get rid of. Yeah, it works in reverse that way. The more we yell and lecture the more we get the very behavior we were yelling and lecturing about. It all has to do with how we are neurologically reinforced (Ask me and I'll be happy to explain in more depth than I can here).
Anger, yelling and lecturing are also the BEST ways to ruin the power of an otherwise good consequence. Best way to get a consequence to stick is to give the consequence firmly and calmly and follow through on it consistently with empathy: "Aw, man! That's too bad. That decision earns this consequence. Bummer, pal. But you know what? You're a great kid and you'll figure it out and do better next time I'm sure." Consistent, firm consequences without anger, lectures and yelling help kids learn on their own (which is the best way to learn, really) from the interplay between choice and consequence.
If you do need to lecture (really, do you? please ask yourself first), then EDIT yourself down to what I call the One Sentence Lecture. Keep it brief and too the point. Do NOT go on and on and on.

IN-LAWS

14. I’m having trouble with my in-laws. My spouse always sides with his/her mother and our children witness and notice this. How can I tell the children that it is wrong, when their own parent does it?

Touchy subject, this one.
Let’s start w/ basic, ancient wisdom: “For this cause, shall a man leave his mother and a woman leave her father and become one and cleave unto another” or something like that
The husband who doesn’t put his wife first will pay for it every day of his marriage. This man is a fool. If he wants to listen to his mother more than his wife he should’ve stayed home and not gotten married. It’s okay to listen to your parents after you get married; of course, they have knowledge, wisdom and a deep and profound love for their children. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. Both listen to your parents and your spouse. Just in the end, make sure that your spouse knows that it’s the two of you together (think “cleave”) that make the decisions together.
The wife who bad mouth’s a man’s mother is also a fool and has violated the playground code of “I can bad mouth my mama, but you can’t bad mouth my mama.” This is still a good rule to abide by in marriage.
How to handle this? Model what you expect. Golden Rule applies well here: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Ask for what you want respectfully w/o complaining and criticizing. Show respect for his mother even though you disagree. Compliment her for what she does that you appreciate.

OTHER COMMON COUPLE ISSUES

15. Is it appropriate for women to have male friends and vice-versa?

Yes and No.
Yes, but not with them alone. Yes, with approval from spouse.
No, not alone. No, if it makes your spouse uncomfortable, even if there’s no reason to be. Never alone w/ friends of the opposite sex.
Rule for going out to eat at work w/ co-workers of opposite sex. I work mostly with female colleagues who are also good friends. I go to lunch with them frequently. My wife knows all of them and I have asked her if it’s okay with her if I go to lunch with them. This is not a control or “being whipped” type of thing. This is a respect thing that sends the loud and clear message that my wife comes first and trumps all others. She knows that if for whatever reason, rational or irrational, that if she at any time is uncomfortable with me doing so that all she has to say is “Jonathan, I’d prefer you no longer go to lunch with so and so” and my response will be “Okay.” It’s that simple. She’s never asked me to, but I would in a second w/o hesitation and she knows it. However, she also knows she’s first, from a hundred other big and small words and actions that tell her so.
On a side note of interest, a buddy of mine chided me for being “whipped” because of stances like the one above. I laughed and simply responded, maybe a bit too cocky, “Yeah, well, look at my marriage and look at your marriage. Big return for the small price of being ‘whipped.’” That’s the last I heard of that. I don’t believe I’m “whipped” though. I believe in respecting my wife who I made a covenant to honor, love, cherish and to treat like a queen. I also take Paul at his word when he said, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.” Good advice.

16. Should you make your wife work for income so it’s 50/50?

First of all, you don’t “make” your wife do anything, unless you are practicing unrighteous dominion and wanting to say bye-bye to your Priesthood (see D&C 121).
Secondly, what has the prophet said about this subject? What have former prophets said about this topic? Need I really say more?
Thirdly, the question is also this: will you be doing 50% of the household and child management. The research is that in dual income homes where both spouses work 40-hour work weeks; the woman still does 80% of the housework (this has been called the “second shift” and is simply ridiculous that women are expected to work outside the home and still have to do the vast majority of the work in the home, too).
Fourthly, have you considered the cost of daycare and other expenses of “making” your wife work outside of the home? Check the research on this one and you’ll find that the cost to benefit ration, just monetarily, is rarely enough to make it worth it. This does not take into consideration the incalculable value of having a parent raising your children instead of a hired hand raising them.
Fifthly, are you truly and really valuing the invaluable work a wife and mother does in the home or just giving lip service to it while actually really mostly valuing the actual monetary income?

17. Can a couple compromise, if one wants a child and one does not?

Obviously, this is a tough one, but workable.
The goal is to not work towards a compromise at this point (you can worry about that later). For now spend a lot of time trying to understand (really understand) where each person is coming from. The understanding I’m talking about here is not the “understanding” we usually give lip-service to when we say, “I understand, however…” That is not understanding. That is saying, “yeah, yeah, but listen to my counterargument…” Real understanding comes when I am willing and able to argue my partner’s viewpoint and concerns for them as well as they would for themselves and even go so far as to show genuine respect for their views (even though you may still disagree w/ their reasons) to the point that they respond with the tell-tale yes-you-got-it response of “Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. I didn’t think you understood how important my view on this is, but clearly you do.”
With issues this big, don’t rush or hurry towards the solution, outcome or compromise. Use big issues like these to study each other, to understand each other, to listen deeply to each other, to show respect for the person even though you disagree with the points.
Compromise is not about giving in or giving up. It's about giving. It is about together making a promise (from the Latin "compromittere": com- "together" + promittere "promise"). Marriage, then, by definition of itself is a compromise—"we together promised" or vowed or covenanted of our own free will to join fully with another—and it then behooves us to become masters at the art of compromise. As with all things, if you don't know how—learn.

18. How do you help an adult child that has a mental health issues like depression or anxiety who refuses to seek medical help or counseling? What can we do, besides keep communication open to help our child?

First of all, this is very common, and very treatable. The problem is that many don’t get the treatment they need because of the stigma around mental health issues. Men tend to be less willing to admit they are depressed or anxious because of the way men have been socialized to “just buck up and deal with it.”
Educate yourselves, read books, read Internet articles on depression and anxiety, attend NAMI Family to Family support group meetings.
Leave brochures, articles out where your child can see them.
You can share resources and continue to give support. That’s about it.
If he/she is suicidal and he/she won’t go to therapy or the hospital, then call the police and they will come and do a wellness check and if necessary have him/her transported to a hospital to keep him/her safe.

Finally! The Formula for Understanding Women

2010-04-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

My wife just sent me this in my email...

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived, finally, at the formula for understanding women"

Supportive Example

2010-04-16T16:25:00.001-07:00

I told my wife last night that our tax guy left message saying we were owing taxes and needed more info from me. In short, we were expecting a refund and this didn't bode well for certain plans. Our guy didn't leave details on how much, so I was left to worry through the night. While I practiced basic stress-busting calming and soothing skills (since there was nothing I could do about the problem anyway) I still as the primary privider for our family still had considerable worry about the possible ramifications of this situation.

Kara came to me first thing this morning and said very kindly, "Now listen. I've thought about this and I don't want you to worry about the taxes and this is why: We're no longer newlyweds, we've learned a lot about money over the years and will learn more from this. I don't want you to worry. You're an amazing provider. You always pull things together for us." At the end she said, "I'm more worried about you than I am the money."

The problem is still there and we still have to deal with it. The difference is with a just few words and a lot of compassion she diffused all my worry in a single moment.

I am skilled in stress management. My skills were holding it at bay, but that was about it. However, a few well placed compassionate words from my partner did so much more than my individual skills could alone. That, my friends, is the power of a GREAT Relationship. There is a reason why successfully married couples have less stress and as a result live an average of seven years longer than their divorced, unhappily marred or single counterparts.

Kara could've got stressed herself, she could've been critical and she could've found fault. She didn't. Not only did she ease my concern, she made me feel great, made the problem easier to approach, and left me only loving her more.

This is a perfect example of being supportive, of fighting FOR your partner instead of WITH them, of taking your PARTner's PART.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Count the REAL Cost, Part 2

2010-04-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

I had the following conversation with a potential client recently. They were interested in marriage and stepfamily counseling and saw the need for doing something very different. However, when it came to the fee they were a bit taken aback by the perceived cost, "That's a lot more than I expected." I responded, in part, as follows:

I know this can still be a substantial sum. I encourage you to do a full cost/benefit analysis as you know your situation better than I do, of course. As you do so, please be sure you consider:

All the direct and indirect COSTS of not investing in solving these problems:

The most direct costs being the expense of divorce, attorneys, moving, two households, etc., as well as
The indirect costs of continuing and entrenching the same habits and patterns that led you into your current situation;
The emotional and mental impacts of going through divorce on all concerned, etc.;
Better yet, just read read my article "Count the Cost" (that's the Part 1).

All the direct and indirect BENEFITS of investing in creating solutions including:

The simple math that any expense in this work will always be only a fraction of the costs of a divorce;
Finally learning (and doing so on the same page, at the same time) what is required to make a marriage and step-family not only work but how to make it truly phenomenal—one that can be enjoyed the rest of your lives;
The impact on the children of having a stable, secure home and a great marriage they can model their future relationships off of.
One question: If what I call "The GREAT Relationship" were possible in your marriage and family what price would you be willing to pay for that kind of marriage and that kind of family?
Still hesitant? Here's the kicker: I guarantee my work. Therapists typically and historically don't though. So why do I? Because it works and it's a safe bet for me. It's not because I'm cocky or arrogant. The GREAT Relationship Work simply works. The truth is, fortunately, that the research is in, the skills work, we're not running off of theory or guess work anymore. There are skills and strategies that have been proven effective. So what are the terms of this guarantee? Simple: Do 80% of the agreed upon work over the agreed upon course of our work and if there isn't marked and measurable progress I will refund your fees in full. Good luck finding that offer anywhere else. While you can finding cheaper counseling no problem, more often than not, though—as many of my clients have reported regarding prior counseling—you get what you pay for. If you do decide to work with someone else, which I respect, I STRONGLY encourage that you shop around carefully to find someone who specializes not only in this specific issues but who also has a proven track record.

They are going to think about it. I hope they do. Money matters and is a serious consideration in making decisions. I get that as well as anyone. I just hope they think about all the costs and act accordingly to what they really value the most.

Looking for more ideas in creating a GREAT Relationship? Look no further:

Contact me directly: 801.787.8014 or jonathan@bardos.net
Visit: JonathanSherman.net For services and workshops as well as to get special announcements and offers available only on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and Blog
Visit rel8gr8.com and subscribe to "The 52 Love Songs Project", "The 365 Love Quotes Project", and "The GREAT Relationship Masters Project" to get daily, weekly and monthly GREAT Relationship Principles demonstrated via popular songs, timeless quotes and real-life "Relationship Masters".
Read this week's "The GREAT Relationships eZine" at TheMarriageAcademy.blogspot.com

2010-04-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

Last night my cool, hip and happenin' 16-year-old son asked if I would give him and his wife mariage advice when he is married. I told him, "Of course."

Now whether or not his wife will want it or not is up to her, which I respect, and it will be between them to craft their life together. What touched me was his valuing of my counsel in his life and the bond we share. I am touched to my core with the faith and trust given me from my child turned teen soon to turn man. It is for moments like that that as a father I willingly toil and labor to be the kind of man he needs and deserves to guide him. I pray that all men will rise to the challenge of this sacred calling of Fatherhood.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Father and Son, by Cat Stevens

2010-04-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

A chill song. A touching song. Cautionary and instructive. (And, one from the 70s, by the way, that's not embarrassing to watch! Well shot.)

[Father]
It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

[Son]
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

[Father]
It's not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
if you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.
[Son] Away Away Away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no

[Son]
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them
They know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
[Father] Stay Stay Stay, Why must you go and
make this decision alone?

Who can relate? Please share...

Morning Mindfulness Moment

2010-03-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

I walked out of my office this morning to wait for my client in the cool air and sunshine. I was reading a passage from The Wisdom of Forgiveness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Victor Chan on compassion, emptiness, interconnectedness and interdependence.

At that moment, I heard the chirping of birds and through the barren trees saw the striking beauty of Mount Timpanogos to the east. I was overcome by a sense of peaceful happiness as I considered how interconnected all things are. I heard the bird, felt the chill in the air, felt the warm sun, smelled the cold of the air, and squinted at the brightness of the sun. My five senses took it all in—in a single moment—and my spirit thrilled. It was so apparant how connected all my senses were to that around me and how dependent they were on these things to have sense in the first place.

Mindfulness is not a constant state of being for me. It is a state of being I enter as often as I am mindful to do so. These mindfulness moments are all around me every day for me to experience (i.e., bardos moments). All I need to do is pause, breath and see the vastness of all that is interconnected that I am interdependent with. "He that has ears to hear, let him hear."

Mindfulness is a great gift for creating and recreating that key relationship with self that is the great influencer of how I then relate with those around me.

Peace,

Jonathan

"The Marriage Ref" Reviewed

2010-03-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

Just watched the pilot of Jerry Seinfeld's new show The Marriage Ref. Fun example of healthy conflict mediated with a twist. Closely bonded couples who had true affection for each other and could argue openly with passion and respect but without anger.

The host Tom Papas ended with: "It's worth fighting for! Now, kiss and make up." Nice message.

What do you think of it?

PS: Watch the clips of the behind the scenes interviews of the couples—real imperfect people in love and with GREAT relationships. Bravo! Sweet, touching, funny, inspiring.

Contact

2010-03-04T06:50:00.001-08:00

Greatest Accomplishment?

2010-02-27T23:54:00.000-08:00

Speaker, author and great humanitarian Tiffany Berg Painter (that's her to the right), whom I am happy to know, asked on Facebook today:

"What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment in life so far?"

My response:

Great question. Tough to answer with just one thing but I'll list a progression of the greatest accomplishments so far in my life:
Accepting Christ into my life as a teenager--opened up the door to SO, SO, SO many good things most especially:
Meeting my best friend and marrying her--who gave me:
My four greatest treasures. So proud of the fine young people they are and so grateful to be their father. Eternally grateful for my wife for them. Amen and amen!
My education, training, profession and successful independent practice as a relationship strategist (marriage and family therapist). So proud and impressed by my amazing clients who take on the tough challenges of life and overcome!
I can trace all of these accomplishments (or rather gifts) to the first on the list. Hallelujah!

GREAT Relationships don't 'just happen'... They are created!

2010-02-26T13:36:00.000-08:00

by: Jonathan Sherman

Okay gang. Here's the low down. Everyone WANTS a great relationship—a happy marriage, a loving and profound connection with their children, an enjoyable workplace—but the reality is most people are doing just that: Wanting. And from that wanting their relationships are left wanting (e.g., lacking).

Instead of actually engaging in the work of creation, most people are hoping, wishing, and waiting for the great relationship they want. Then when it doesn't come or "just happen" they turn that wanting into criticism, complaints, contempt and resentment which guarantees that GREATness in their relationships will continue to elude them.

Wake up: Relationships will no longer tolerate sloppiness. The supports just aren't there anymore for poor relationships to be held together regardless of whether they "should" or not.

So how do we create GREATness in our relationships? The same way we create anything else in this life: Study the masters; learn the best practices; practice, practice, practice; integrate; take action; and maintain a willingness to change course, modify strategies, and dump approaches that just aren't working.

In all of this creation of GREATness the only part that "wanting" plays is the initial creation of the vision and the ongoing motivation to do the requisite work towards that vision's goals. In other words, the work of GREATness is summed up as follows:

"Knowing is not enough, you must apply;

willing is not enough, you must do."

—Bruce Lee

So where do we go to study the masters and learn the best practices? Start here: At rel8gr8.com you will find:

Relationship strategist Jonathan Sherman's services, workshops, resources and free articles all designed towards GREATness creation;
The GREAT Relationships eZine Blog
The GREAT Relationship Masters Project which gives models of GREAT relationships that we can study and learn from. Too many people have no clue what a GREAT relationship actually looks like up close and personal. Well here they are. Study and emulate those who've mastered the path of GREATness.
Valentine's All Year (VAY) is "A glimpse into one man's ongoing love affair with his wife." Every entry contains personal examples as well as a corresponding and specific GREAT Relationship Principle applicable to all relationships who aspire to GREATness. VAY includes these two daily and weekly blogs:

The good news is that "not knowing" how to create a GREAT relationship is no longer an excuse. The hackneyed excuse of "my marriage/child didn't come with an owner's manual" no longer flies. The knowledge and practices are available. The coaching and support exists to integrate the learning.

Now is the time for GREATness. GREATness does not come to those who wait. It never "comes." It is created and re-created daily. Create it!

"The Don't Song" by Johnny & Chachi

2010-02-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

Must watch sage and hilarious advice. These guys are my new favs. (Of course, any of you who grew up with Happy Days, like me, will appreciate their "names").

"Stop, stop, stoppity stop!"

"Get a Dog!" by Ben Stein

2010-02-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

We humans must be trained to develop relationship mastery. While we are the masters of our dogs, they are the masters of actually practicing the highest virtues we only say we hold dear.

Ben Stein, in his classic deadpan humor, nails it:

"No matter what the problem in life dogs are the answer... Did you lose your job? Horrible. But that just means you have more time to spend at home with your dog... Your dog doesn't need a master with a big job. He needs a friend... Take the first step to recovery right now: Get a dog."

Valentine's Day Is Over. Or Is It?

2010-02-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

I just submitted the following press release—Let me know where you see it.

Thanks, Jonathan

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Valentine’s Day Is Over. Or Is It?

American Fork, Utah — February 15, 2010 — Marriage and family therapist Jonathan Sherman says it isn't. Not by a long shot.

Sherman, who prefers to be called a relationship strategist, to prove his point created two blogs under the heading of Valentine’s All Year for his wife's and his 18th anniversary: The 52 Love Songs Project and The 365 Love Quotes Project. He calls it a "glimpse into one man's ongoing love affair with his wife".

Every week or every day this year, depending on the blog, he posts popular love songs with audio and/or video, lyrics, quotes, a love note to his wife, and commentary on the relationship principle related to that particular song or quote.

While his approach with his wife is quite involved he makes it clear that Valentine’s All Year does not have to be complicated nor over the top. “It doesn’t even have to involve things,” Sherman says. “It is more of a mindset: ‘Am I communicating, on a regular and consistent basis, to my partner in some meaningful way that I love her or him?’.”

For example, sending an “I care” message could be simply responding immediately to a request to take out the trash when asked instead of putting it off or forgetting. It could be stopping to make a quick call just to say hi. Or, it could be a brief text that says, “Thinking about you.” It does not need to be much. However, Sherman says relationships do need regular, consistent and frequent infusions of emotional connectivity.

When asked if he ever catches any heat from other men because of his message to “step it up” in their relationships Sherman laughed knowingly and replied, “Yes. Often.” He related that a friend of his once complained to him saying, "C'mon man, you're making me look bad here." Sherman’s response? "No. You're making yourself look bad. I'm making myself look good."

“Aren’t you being a bit braggy?” Sherman has been asked. He used to think so and he would keep his relationship private like most people. He later learned, however, “that there's something to be said for earning your right to brag. As Will Smith said, ‘I’m not conceited, I’m as good as I say I am.’ When you're good you're good. Whether it's in business or sports we all study the best, learn from them and emulate them so we can succeed as well or better. Why not do the same for relationships and marriages?”

The reason most people tend to be passive in regards to their relationships he says is, “because of one stupid, but pervasive and convincing, myth: ‘If we love each other enough it will all work out.’ That's like telling the local high school football team who wants to take state that they don't need to practice, drill or study the playbook—‘you guys just have to want it bad enough’."

Sherman further stated, “Relationships will no longer tolerate sloppiness. The social supports that used to hold together ‘so-so’ marriages just aren’t there anymore. The upside to this is that people are taking a much more proactive role in creating relationship greatness. They must if they are to have the elusive and coveted affair-proof and divorce-proof marriage.”

Sherman has been asked why he is so public with his love for his wife and for their marriage. "The Relationship Disasters are daily proclaimed 'loud and proud' from every media tabloid outlet without shame or apology. Unfortunately, that is the relationship model most see and quite frankly it’s crap. It's high time The Relationship Masters get seen and heard to offer the world an alternative to the relationship statistics that seem to only predict doom and gloom: high divorce rates, unhappiness, chronic stress and related sickness, high conflict and violence." He contends that being vocal and visible about great relationships is one way to turn around these numbers.

Both of the Valentine’s All Year blogs can be found on www.rel8gr8.com as well as examples of many other great marriages he calls The Great Relationship Masters. He encourages all to visit the site, take a peek, stop taking the path of least resistance, and find ways to infuse their own relationships with greatness on a daily basis this year.

Jonathan Sherman is a pioneer in helping individuals, couples and families create truly phenomenal relationships through his three-fold approach to assisting people develop: 1. Self-Mastery; 2. Marriage Transformation; and 3. Parenting Finesse. He speaks on these and related topics nationally and coaches clients internationally in person, by phone and internet video. To find out more, please visit www.JonathanSherman.net

Contact:
Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT
jonathan@JonathanSherman.net
125 East Main Street, Suite 210
American Fork, UT 84003
801.787.8014

###

Impromptu Family Silliness: A Valentine's Day Story

2010-02-14T09:58:00.001-08:00

Another build-a-story during church...

Dad: "The following story is true. It all started 63 years ago when...
Adam (15): I fell down the...
Emily (13): water buffalo. It was uncommon. But...
Molly (10): it was very fun.
Dad: Yet, how could I get anyone to believe such an incredible occurance? I decided that I would...
Matthew (8): go to the bathroom...
Mom: and take a shower to wash off the buffalo poop I had fallen into when I fell off the water buffalo. However...
Adam: when I got out the smell would not come off. But luckily, my wife for some odd reason liked the smell, so...
Emily: I decided to take it for granted. The way I did that was...
Molly: a princess came and...
Dad: it turned out she was a magic fairy princess and she cast a spell on me so the smell would stay on me for the rest of my life so my wife could always enjoy this new cologne. Then...
Mom: I started to attract many more water buffalo. Everywhere I went I had a herd of water buffalo following me around even when I went to...
Adam: the ball games and they wouldn't let me in so it became a curse...
Emily: Then my goldfish died.
Molly: It died because of the smell. I...
Dad: cried and cried and cried and wondered how on earth any of this had to anything to do with Valentine's Day? Then I realized...
Mom: 'Oh yeah!' I yelled. 'My wife still likes my smell.' So I went home to my wife and we decided to be Valentine's for ever!

The End.

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

"Dude" and Male Communication

2010-02-04T20:08:00.001-08:00

We men may not communicate like women, to be sure, but we communicate a lot with the little we do say very effectively. Case in point:

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

★ GREAT QUOTES: Soul Unafraid ★

2010-01-31T09:14:00.000-08:00

"Thus, my child, man cannot reap love until after sad and revealing separation, and bitter patience, and desperate hardship. Sleep, my little boy; sweet dreams will find your soul who is unafraid of the terrible darkness of night and the biting frost."
—From The Widow and Her Son, by Kahlil Gibran

Remember, friends, your soul is unafraid. You may be afraid now, but remember now is not always. Nor do we see or know all things now. However, and fortunately, there is a deeper and truer self that is secure and transcends present fear. It is that powerful self that we must come to know intimately and well.

Peace,
Jonathan

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships with self and others visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

★ SELF-MASTERY Tip 10: Accountability Points ★

2010-01-24T08:42:00.001-08:00

Congrats! You've set some meaningful goals for the new year. Now, how to ACTUALLY keep them? It's hard to stay focused on your own, isn' it? I'll let you in on a little secret—I accomplish nothing on my own. My success has relied greatly on the wisdom, encouragement, resources and help of others. One of the ways to leverage the benefits of other people in your life is to set up systems that hold you accountable to the changes you want to make.

Points of accountability can be anything that holds you to your goals: Positive peer pressure from a loved one, colleague or mentor you've given permission to check in with you; Deadlines; Alarms in your phone to remind you of daily tasks; 5 Daily Habits practice (I'll explain this one another time); Notes and other reminders posted everywhere and/or in key places (pockets, dashboard, mirror, briefcase or purse); vision boards; support groups; counselors/coaches; etc.

So, if you haven't set up accountability points to ensure your goals' success then now's the time. Succeed on!
http://JonathanSherman.net

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

New Biz Cards and Branding

2010-01-23T01:23:00.000-08:00

Readers: What do you think? I've been slowly re-tooling my brand from "Bardos Relationship Consulting" to both "JonathanSherman.net" and the "rel8gr8" logo. Why? Bardos is a wonderful concept but most people didn't know its meaning (Tibetan Buddhist term signifying among other amazing things "a powerful opportunity for change") and thought it was either my last name or that I worked for someone else. Obviously, JonathanSherman.net clarifies that and "rel8gr8" or "Relate Great" clarifies without confusion or "mystical" intimations what my work is all about: "Creating greatness in relationships—Nothing less."

Also, I've always appreciated minimalist design for it's cleanness and ability to stand well on it's own with little to no explanation (i.e., Apple and Target are two favorite brands that do this well.) So, I wanted a logo that explained all that I do in bold but simple and eye-catching way. Rel8Gr8 is more of a tagline than the name of my business, but it's simple to remember as will the corresponding rel8gr8.com website be easy to remember and thus find.

Why do I care about all of this? Well, I love design, marketing, branding and advertising and am always impressed when it's done right and cringe when it's not. My brand, and related aspects (ie., this blog and websites), have needed both restructuring and face-lifts for some time.

Note to potential printer: Here's the idea for new biz card and the die cut that would be needed. It would be same size of standard biz card with the top area cut out. Make sense? Thanks. J

"So..." Simple Impromptu Family Silliness

2009-11-22T08:38:00.001-08:00

Great relationships are more often created by lots of small moments rather than a few big ones. For example, last week in church I started the following "build-a-story" titled "So...". As you can see, I just began the story and passed it (quietly and discretely since we were in church) around and this silliness is what ensued.

Dad: "So, the other day I...
Adam (15): ...went to the bathroom and found a...
Molly (10): ...unicorn that turned into a...
Emily (13): ...pickle. I have no idea why it did that. But I have an idea to get it back, which is...
Matthew (8): ...get a gun and point it at its head and tell him to "Turn me back!" and if he says...
Mom: ..."Poop de loops" then he will turn into a beautiful...
Hannah (12, friend): ...caterpiller that can turn in to an evil goblin.
Dad: So, after all of that, as you I'm sure you can understand I got quite confused, so I...
Em: ...went and ate an apple. But then...
Mol: ...before I ate it, it came alive and...
Ad: ...ate me in one bite so now I'm sitting here writing this story. But wait, what is this?
Matthew: ...It's the pony that turned me into a pickle!
Mom: ..."Mr. Pony? Will you turn me into a unicorn? I want to...
Hannah: ...frolic in the mist of the Magic Waterfall...
Matthew: ...and then I want to go to the top and jump off...
Dad: ...and land in a pile of fluffy, toasted coconut marshmallows."
The End.

I encourage you to try this with your family. It's simple, silly, creative, easy and can quickly create some fun bonding that can then be thrown in a scrapbook for a good memory later on.

Share

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tips 6-10

2009-11-05T09:28:00.001-08:00

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 6
Consider these words from Martin Luther King, Jr. (1967) the next time you engage in conflict with your partner and you perceive them as the enemy: "Here is the true meaning and value of compassion and nonviolence when it helps us to see the enemy's point of view, to hear his questions, to know his assesssment of ourselves. For from this view we many indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the opposition." Let us honor these words not only for their historical significance. Let us also honor them in our very personal creation of peace in our up-close and personal relationships today. Peace, my friends, is a practice, not a wish.

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 7
Seek the hidden compliment in the complaint. Who can guess what the compliment is?

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 8
Learn to take your PARTner's part. You've likely become a master at defending your own side. Now become skilled at defending your partner's side. High level skill, yes. But why not? It's hard to do, but the results are incredible!

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 9
"They had lived together for so many years that they mistook their arguments for conversation." —Marjorie Kellogg. Don't become "comfortably numb" to the Four Relationship Poisons of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Get the full article here: http://themarriageacademy.com/Articles/Four%20Relationship%20Poisons.pdf

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 10
Use the Four Relationship Antidotes of Calm Down, Speak Non-defensively, Validation and Overlearning. Full article here: http://themarriageacademy.com/Articles/Four%20Relationship%20Antidotes.pdf

Share

— For more tips, strategies and resources for creating truly GREAT relationships visit http://JonathanSherman.net —

Parenting Finesse Tips 1-5

2009-10-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 1
Slow down and look both ways. When your children speak, take a moment to follow traffic basics: Stop. Look. Listen.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 2
Decide ahead of time how the both of you will handle difficult situations with your children. Anticipate problems and play “stop-gap.” This is where you look for ways your kids can get around you discipline and how you will “stop-up” those gaps.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 3
Offer solutions instead of yelling. Point out a way to be helpful. Tell your child what they can do or have versus what they can’t do or have. For example, “You are welcome to go play as soon as you ...clean up your toys” instead of “You can’t go play. You haven’t cleaned up your room yet.” Read that out loud. Can you hear and feel the subtle but significant difference? Your children will hear and feel it, too. This approach helps remove resistance and enhances cooperation.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 4
Refuse Undermining. Make a choice as parents to not undermine each other in front of you children. To say something like, “I sided with you, but Mom won” makes both of you look foolish in your child’s eyes.

PARENTING FINESSE Tip 5
Does your Management Team know its Policies and Procedures Manual? Every company has one set of rules, their “policies and procedures,” that every employee is expected to follow. When everyone is on the same page the company is able to run smoother and there’s less conflict about what or how things should be done because expectations are clear. Churches and sports teams do the same. When there is a conflict everyone can defer, and refer, to the same rules versus getting stuck in arguments that go nowhere. Most organized groups do this. Families rarely do. Parents are the management team of the family. Decide on your discipline rules as a team and abide by them consistently. If you cannot come to a compromise that works, do what companies do when they get stuck: Hire a consultant. Seek help from a neutral third party whether that be clergy or counselor. Keep well-meaning, but biased, friends and family out of it.

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For more visit:
http://JonathanSherman.net

SELF-MASTERY Tips 1-5

2009-10-09T07:28:00.001-07:00

SELF-MASTERY Tip 1
Self-mastery begins with developing a great relationship with yourself. So, get to know yourself. Learn to love being in your own head. Learn to enjoy your own company.

As a few of the greats have said:
• "All of man's trouble stem from his inability to sit quietly in a room alone."—Blaise Pascal
• “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.” —Wayne W. Dyer
• “If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.” —François de La Rochefoucauld

SELF-MASTERY Tip 2
"Work-Life balance?" No! I don't want such a significant part of my life (work) to be be separate from my life! Whether enjoyable or not, work is a part of life; and a noble part of it. Call it "Work-Home Balance" or "Life Balance" fine. Too many people suffer because of a disconnect among the various aspects of their lives. Thus, integration, not dis-integration, is key.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 3
Be there. When home be home. When at work be at work. When engaging with the customer be fully with the customer. When playing with your child play fully with your child. When listening to your partner listen fully to your partner. Controlling the mind's attention in the present moment is the key to self-mastery and enjoyment of life as it is.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 4
Contentment. "His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him." —Charles Dickens referring to Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Learn to become so simply content that your own heart laughing is sufficient.

SELF-MASTERY Tip 5
Don't try to change everything. Do just one thing different today, this week, or this month. Seek for what Gregory Bateson called "the difference that makes the difference".

How have you developed self-mastery, or how are you developing it currently? Share your ideas below. Thanks.

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For many more ideas, articles, tips and strategies for Self-Mastery, Marriage Transformation, Parenting Finesse, and Leadership Development visit http://JonathanSherman.net

Thinking Outside the Barometer

2009-10-07T11:41:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite anecdotes is as follows. I like to fact-check and found that this story may be more "apocryphal" than authentic, however, the story is still absolutely fantastic. I have used the story many times and most recently in my "Study Smarter, Not Harder: Strategies for Effective Learning" Workshop.

The Barometer Problem

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The name of the student was Niels Bohr." (1885-1962) Danish Physicist; Nobel Prize 1922; best known for proposing the first 'model' of the atom with protons & neutrons, and various energy state of the surrounding electrons -- the familiar icon of the small nucleus circled by three elliptical orbits ... but more significantly, an innovator in Quantum Theory.

To paraphrase, "I'm fed up with people trying to teach me how to think." Amen! It's fine and good to learn what needs to be learned from traditional tried and true methods, but let's not limit learning just because "that's the way it is." We have fine brains. Let's use them and encourage others to use them: At home, at work and at school. Learn on, my friends. Learn on.

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Marriage Transformation Tips 1-5

2009-10-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 1
Quantify greatness. Did you know you can actually quantify greatness in relationships? Using Gottman's "Magic" Ratio of 5:1 pos:neg interactions you can CREATE a great relationship. Don't have 5:1 in your relationship? Don't complain, take action. Don't wait for your partner. You be the change!

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 2
Argue your partner's point FOR him/her sincerely and in the the way he/she would argue it him/herself. Then watch defensiveness melt away. Too often we're too busy defending our own points we forget to defend our partner's. As Aristotle said, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Be open to entertaining your partner's ideas fully even if you don't agree. You may learn something.

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 3
Refuse to take your partner for granted. Express sincere appreciation privately and publicly. For example, I wrote on Facebook, "I love Kara, and I know she loves me, but it still amazes me that she is so good to me."

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 4
When talking to your partner, be careful—literally: Be FULL of care. Being careful isn't about walking on eggshells, being FULL of care is saying you matter to me and how I treat you matters to me.

MARRIAGE TRANSFORMATION Tip 5
The relationship is your dojo. Enter with an open mind eager to learn and willing to be challenged. Your partner is the Sensei (Master) of him/her--no one knows your partner better than he/she does. Stop "thinking" you know him/her. You are the Student—study your partner with openness, respect, and reverance. Bow to this Sensei in humility and be schooled today. Your partner is not the enemy—stop fighting him/her. The enemy is what is negative between you both. The enemy is the interaction not the person. Let this Sensei teach you how to remove the barrier to your connection and thus destroy the enemy.

How have you transformed, or how are you transforming, your marriage? Share your ideas below. Thanks.

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For many more ideas, articles, tips and strategies visit http://JonathanSherman.net

The WorkSmart Playbook: The Play-by-play Guide for Building a WorkSmart Culture of Success in Your Company

2009-09-04T10:21:00.001-07:00

I posted the following recently on the PeopleSmarts blog where you can read many more great articles by my awesome colleagues...

PeopleSmarts innovated the comprehensive and transformative change-based curriculum “Building a WorkSmart Culture of Success” based on the latest emotional intelligence (EQ) research and best practices.

From that curriculum, four of the PeopleSmarts training team are co-authoring PeopleSmarts’ first book: “The WorkSmart Playbook: The Play-by-play Guide for Building a WorkSmart Culture of Success in Your Company”. The WorkSmart Playbook, scheduled to come out in the first quarter of 2010, helps companies develop their people from the inside out—from ME to YOU to US.

To give you a quick “taste” of both the curriculum, and book content, available to you and your organization I give you the following.

WorkSmart teaches you and your people how to:

Individually (ME)
1. Explode your potential through understanding the Stages of Potential;
2. Know yourself through assessing your EQ (emotional intelligence) and how to use “Innies & Outies”;
3. Align yourself closer to your real self by understanding The Line and how to navigate around The Line more effectively;
See yourself and your situations differently via The Frame, The Three Rights, and Core Messages;
5. Fully engage yourself into your work through utilizing Spheres of Control and Influence to their greatest advantage, getting into and using The Zone, and how to avoid Thought Circles;
6. Understand and use your powerful and driving Biology vs. ignoring and/or fighting against it;

Person to Person (YOU)
7. Communicate more effectively in workplace relationships through more careful and deliberate use of Verbal and Non-Verbal forms of communication, how to keep communication Safe, as well as how to be clear on What’s the Story we are really trying to communicate to each other;
8. Earn trust through the Five Levels of Commitment, the Trust Reservoir, and the Instant Replay;
9. Deal with the tricky and difficult conversations we need to have in the workplace to addresses necessary concerns in a way that maintains and even improves the nature of the relationship;
10. Weather the storms of stress, instead of continually taking on water or being completely capsized, through being aware of Emotional Hits and Hijacks, learning how to use The Line, Frame and Quick Coherence, how to administer Feedback First Aid and how to develop Stress Tolerance Fitness;

As a Team (US)
11. Get the results we want as a team through accurate Measurement, SMarT Goals, Critical Factors and Adapting to Change;
12. Use the Four WorkSmart Culture Keys and how to leverage them for creating an incredible WorkSmart Culture that is both fun and profitable;
13. Generate optimism and grow innovation through Encouraging the Heart, Celebrating Successes, Valuing, Nurturing and Growing Ideas, and Staying Balanced to develop passion, energy and fun at work;
14. Fully understand Employee Engagement in ways that can be measured and used to transform companies and workplaces to their maximum potential.

The good news is you don’t have to wait for the book to develop a WorkSmart Culture. A one-hour “training demo” version of Building a WorkSmart Culture is available as a no-strings-attached in-service training for your company. Just me at 801.787.8014 or email me today and I’ll be happy to discuss your training and development needs.

Looking forward to working with you,

Jonathan Sherman
Director of Training & Development
PeopleSmarts

"La La La and Smiling"

2009-08-17T15:33:00.001-07:00

I posted the following recently on the PeopleSmarts blog where you can read many more great articles by my awesome colleagues...

The other day I was preparing for the “Pulling the Stress Plug” workshop as a free “Thank you!” Training Demo for one of our long-term clients. Of the various stress mastery techniques and mindsets that we teach in this workshop, one of them involves a neuroscience bio-feedback technique called Quick Coherence as developed by HeartMath. You can read more about the three steps here, but in a nutshell, Quick Coherence is an unusually simple, highly effective, and rapid method for reducing stress, anxiety and improving performance. HeartMath describes it briefly as follows:

“Create a coherent state in about a minute with the simple, but powerful steps of the Quick Coherence® Technique. Using the power of your heart to balance thoughts and emotions, you can achieve energy, mental clarity and feel better fast anywhere. Use Quick Coherence especially when you begin feeling a draining emotion such as frustration, irritation, anxiety or anger. Find a feeling of ease and inner harmony that’s reflected in more balanced heart rhythms, facilitating brain function and more access to higher intelligence.”

In preparation for the workshop, I brought the various HeartMath emWave equipment home to test it over the weekend, thinking my family would find it interesting. Using both sophisticated technology and simple instructions my two youngest (Matthew, age 8, and Molly, age 10) quickly and easily kept achieving optimal coherence levels, as indicated by a green light on the emWave Personal Stress Reliever (PSR). Well, Matthew took to it right away and kept asking if he could use it over the weekend.

Monday, as I was heading out the door to work, Matthew exuberantly exclaimed as he held the green-lit emWave PSR aloft, “Hey Dad! All I’m doing is saying ‘La la la’ in my head and smiling!”. I laughed, hugged him and left. I thought that was all, however, for the rest of the day his words kept coming back to me: “All I’m doing is saying ‘La la la’ in my head and smiling.” There you had it: My 8-year-old son had mastered the Quick Coherence technique in only a few tries. Nothing fancy. Nothing complex. No muss. No fuss.

Some people, usually adults, worry that mastering stress is too complicated and/or that it will involve too much time that they don’t have for mediation or yoga. Take it from a child, folks: Effective stress management isn’t in long-involved methods; It’s in the simple. “La la la” is a child’s version of a mantra—just something to fill the mind (i.e., the practice of mindfulness) with something else other than distraction and worry. The simply act of just physically smiling shifts our neurochemical state by releasing stress-relieving and pleasure-inducing endorphin and DHEA release. Repeated simply over and over produces a coherent, stress-relieving state, quickly.

For years I have said in my stress management workshops that children are little Zen masters and that we would be wise to learn from them. My son proved it to me again. As Darth Vader said to Obi-Wan Kenobi, I can say of my son: “Now the student has become the master.”

An 8-year-old nailed it. Not only that, his example helped me nail it the rest of the day. In fact, it’s helping me right now. I feel fully coherent and peaceful as I’m typing this for my deadline. No stress. No muss. No fuss. I’m just, “La la la” and smiling. I feel just fine.

Jonathan Sherman
Director of Training and Development
PeopleSmarts

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Mindfulness, Stress and "The Peace of Wild Things"

2009-07-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

I posted the following recently on the PeopleSmarts blog where you can read many more great articles by my awesome colleagues...

The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my childrens lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
—Wendell Berry, from The Selected Poems of Wendell Berry (Counterpoint, 1999)

Wendell Berry’s poem well describes the experience of mindfulness and it’s relation to ameliorating the effects of stress. In our workshop “Pulling the Stress Plug”, as well as in our executive coaching, we delineate several of the most effective strategies for managing stress in real-time. One of the methods that we frequently employ is the concept and practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is about connecting with things that do not stress in the here and now vs. things that do. In the poem above, as the stress and resultant despair of daily life invade his sleep, the poet (a thing that does stress), seeks in nature (that which does not stress) a connection with peace that then frees him from his stress. “The Peace of Wild Things” describes a classic experience of mindfulness for releasing stress by re-centering ourselves fully on what is.

Generally, however, we humans do just the oppossite. We worry over what should be or what should’ve been, what was wrong, what is wrong and what will be wrong. Instead, as Thich Nhat Hanh counsels, “We have to learn to practice touching what is not wrong inside us and around us” (Touching Peace: Practicing the Art of Mindful Living, Parallax Press, 1992). Connecting with the “wild things” is one way of touching what is right.

“But, Jonathan I don’t have a serene lake replete with drakes and herons next to my home to de-stress by.” You don’t need it. Thankfully, to experience the full benefits of mindfulness you don’t need any “thing” you just need the life you already have and what is already around you. There is no right way to experience mindfulness. Further, and fortunately, there are also as many ways of experiencing mindfulness as there are people to experience it.

For example, I find my own “peace in the wild things” through the nighttime routines with my children. At the end of the day when my wife is “baked” and off for some much needed down time my children and I prepare for bed. After they’ve brushed their teeth and donned their jammies we tickle each other, play silly monster games, and laugh ‘til they protest with intense delight, “I’m gonna pee!!!”

As they cavort and shriek wildly I find solace in their wildness. They typify in their very being, without wordy discourses such as I am now giving, full presence in the now. They simply are mindfulness personified. After the wildness finally subsides we cuddle for reading, quiet talking and sharing as they fall asleep in my arms. It is in this moment as I lay down in the grace of these wild things that I too find peace. I too find freedom.

How does this relate to reducing stress in the workplace? Simple. Young children are not troubled by the stress of tomorrow’s workday. So I take my cue from them and remind those intruding work-related stress thoughts we all have, “Not now. That’s for tomorrow. Now I am with my children.” And then I am with them. While I may have to say that to myself several times, it is that simple. I have found that when tomorrow’s workday comes I am then able to be much more present in the workplace, and thus more productive, because I’m not feeling the sting of regret of missing out on my children’s lives—because I didn’t. I was there with them and I was there fully. This work-home balance (some call it work-life balance, but I don’t believe in separating my work from my life) is so essential for stress-reduction and happiness in both arenas.

So, how does this relate to your workplace? Instead of talking about it, we would love to come to your workplace and show your team just some of what is available to your them and how they and your organization (as well as you ROI!) can benefit from stress-reduction and mindfulness practice. Give me a call at 801.787.8014 or email me at jonathan@peoplesmarts.biz and we’ll arrange a free and fun no-strings attached “Pulling the Stress Plug” Training Demo for your team.

Peace,

Jonathan Sherman
Director of Training and Development

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The Top 10 Things LESS Important than Your Marriage

2009-06-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, The Top 10 Things LESS Important than Your Marriage are...

Work
$$$
Others (friends, neighbors and in-laws)
Your precious ego, pride and the almighty "being right"
Church/religious activities and service (not necessarily religion itself)
TV, computer and video games
Criticism, contempt and bad-mouthing your spouse to others
Anger and other strong emotions
Politics and opinions
The children

When you got married you and your spouse were clear that ALL of these things were LESS important than your marriage. Your spouse was thus naturally attracted to you because he/she believed you loved him/her more than all of these things.

How is your spouse supposed to believe you love him/her when you let these things become MORE important than your spouse? Why would your spouse be attracted to you when you let these LESS important things become MORE important than him/her/your marriage?

Don't kid yourself: If any of these things have become more important to you than your marriage, then I can guarantee you your spouse has noticed—big time—and he/she is hurting because of it.

If any of these have become more important to you than your marriage, then it's time to re-align, because you've lost your integrity. Yes, integrity. Harsh statement? Or accurate? Keep it simple: You gave your WORD at one point via solemn vow, promise or covenant to love him/her above ALL else. When one's word does not match one's actions we call that person a hypocrite. "Yeah, but I wouldn't have if he didn't..." or "I would if she would but she's not so I won't...". Don't blame your hypocrisy on what you partner has/hasn't done. It was (and IS) your word. It's your integrity. When we lack intergrity we dis-integrate and things in our life fall apart. The good news is we can re-integrate and re-align and get back on track.

How? Put your words into loving action. Make your marriage action-based. What actions? That's a good question with many great answers. Check my Resource Area http://bardos.net/Resources/ for articles, ideas, tips and strategies or call me (801.787.8014) and let's dive right in and create some GREAT relating in your marriage and family. In so doing you will experience deeper love and profound peace.

Peace, by the way folks, in marriage is a choice and an action, not just a dream.

Peace,

Jonathan

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"Lucky Man" and The Science of Happiness

2009-05-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

In my emotional intelligence work with PeopleSmarts.biz I conduct a fun and informative seminar called "The Science of Happiness" where we explore the fascinating research on happiness.

Happiness is more than just an emotion or experience that only a lucky few experience. The research on positive psychology, neurobiology, resiliency, and learned optimism, as well as my experience with thousands of clients, clearly demonstrate that happiness is (fortunately!) an actual skill that can be taught and can be learned. This is great, great news.

So the other day I was watching the movie "Marley and Me" and I heard part of the song "Lucky Man" by The Verve which I hadn't heard before. I purchased the song and immediately fell in love with it as I think it well captures the essence of the science of happiness.

In the lyrics below —[I've added my annotations within brackets like this]— to share some perspectives on happiness. I'll highlight some of the mindsets and awarenesses that connect with The Science of Happiness. I'll save the neurobiology of happiness for another discussion. But bear in mind that how we think and what we choose has a direct impact on our biochemisty.

Lucky Man
The Verve

Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty

—["It's just a change in me" highlights that happiness ultimately comes from within. It is not based in externals. True happiness is an internal experience that can be shared with others in the external world, but cannot be obtained fully in the external world.]—
—["Something in my liberty." Happiness is not only freeing in and of itself, but is also, and most importantly, the outcome of making an internal change in how we choose to see things. That is what creates that very sense of freedom. This is akin to Bob Marley's admonition in Redemption Song, "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery." It is our mind that traps us way more than our circumstances. Again internals vs. externals.]—

Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am

—["I know just where I am." Knowing where one is is essential to knowing who one is. It's a sense of connection, awareness and presence. Many people get so confused by the seductives worries and regrets of the future and the past that they are unable to fully live "just where I am."]—

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

—["How many times do I have to learn..." Buddhists inform us that enlightenment comes in a flash after years and years and years and years of meditation; e.g., after much learning. Many of my clients are initially frustrated with the steep learning curve of creating a Great Relationship. I remind them that while the principles and skills we learn (and then practice, practice, practice) are simple that they are not easy. I never confuse simple with easy. Simple is hard at first to learn—the results are just easier to live with. The Complexity Mess of hypocrisy, despair and disintegrity most live in is actually easy to keep doing (because of mindsets, habits, patterns and perpetual reinforcement)—the results are just hard to live with. Thus it (life in general and/or the Great Relationship work) is going to be both hard and easy. The question is where do we want the "hard" and where do we want the "easy." My clients, to their credit, continually choose to do the hard work up front so they can experience the joyful ease of living in a Great Relationship. Thus, "many corners to turn, and many times to learn", and to fully integrate that learning, is just part of the process. But once we get there we learn the Great Secret:
—["All the love I have is in my mind." Jesus taught, "The kingdom of God is within you." In other words, it's not somewhere else, it's here within us. All the love we need is within us. It's not elsewhere, it's not external. This usually requires many, many wrong turns to discover this as we live in a culture where the model is that happiness is to be found in the externals.]—

But I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands

—["I'm a lucky man." Lucky in what way? Oprah Winfrey said that, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." I agree with that statement. Instead of "luck" being something that happens to you, luck is something that you create and or invite in to you which then manifests. This type of luck is much more active than the passive type of luck most people think of.]—
—["With fire in my hands." Fire is symbolic of power, life, passion, energy. Thus, my power, my life, my passion, my energy, my "luck" are all in my control. Being a "lucky man" is more than finding $20 on the sidewalk. Lucky because of this core, essential awareness that I have the power in my life to experience life on my terms, that I'm not victim to the ups/downs of life, not victim to fair/unfair, not victim to what others do/don't do. Instead, I'm fully conscious and I feel so lucky to know that. Just like when man learned to use fire. To have that kind of power, freedom, control and responsibility in one's own hands is awesome.]—

Happiness
Something in my own place
I'm stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am

—[Happiness brings a sense of innocence and acceptance. Several years ago I had the profound pleasure of seeing the Dalai Lama here in Utah. I witnessed his ability to at one moment to talk with deep seriousness and insight of the need for peace in this war-torn world and in the next moment laugh with the simple abandon of a five-year-old. His Holiness had left the Eden state, the state of innocence, of growing up sheltered and protected in peaceful environment as a child and sadly he and his people have been exposed to every atrocity known to man. Yet through his practice and devotion he lives in a child-like state of innocence. An innocence not based in naivete but an innocence consciously claimed in the face of full awareness.
An innocence that arguably can be said was lost because of what he and his people have suffered, but that he has willingly and with skill and practice regained.]—
—["Smiling, I feel no disgrace with who I am." In the Genesis story we are told that Adam and Eve in their innocence in the Garden of Eden were naked, "And they were not ashamed." To choose self-acceptance after we've been exposed in this life (after leaving the Eden state of innocence), when we don't "match up" to how the magazines say we should look is to choose true happiness.]—

All of these comments are representative of a "change in me...something in my liberty." To be happy in the midst of life as it is, vs. how it "should" be, is not denial or being naive, it is a powerful choice that alters our biochemical and neurological states. Cool. Definitely a "lucky" place to be. So be.

Those are my thoughts. They are by no means the only interpretations of this song or these concepts. How does this song touch you? What are your thoughts on creating and manifesting happiness in your life?

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Valentine's ALL Year

2009-02-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

Getting this too late after Valentine's Day? Great! Because, this isn't an article for Valentine's Day, it's for taking care of your relationship with great care throughout the whole year, and not just on one day. I wrote this article a few years back. Most of you probably haven't read it, yet. So, here 'tis in it's encore performance in a printer friendly PDF version

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Busting Holiday Stress

2008-12-10T08:51:00.001-08:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year! And it can be the most stressful.

In 2004, The American Psychological Association conducted a holiday stress survey and identified the top six stressors as follows:

1. Money
2. Gift-giving
3. Lack of time
4. Families
5. Diet
6. Children’s issues

This guide addresses each of these stressors in depth, as well as many others, with a focus on providing many more solutions than there are problems. That’s the way it should be.

This guide covers hundreds of ways to bust, cool, chill, deal and cope with all the various stresses of the holidays.

Here's what you'll get:

Hundreds and hundreds of practical, useful and effective stress-busting tips, strategies, mindsets, and techniques for dealing with every aspect of holiday stress.
Worksheets to help you put the concepts into action.
The 30-Day Stress Tracker and the 31-60-Day "Overlearning!" Stress-Tracker

Pick yours up today at bardos.net/HolidayStressBusters

Just take a peek at the Table of Contents:

INTRODUCTION

THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE
STRESS 101
SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF STRESS
ASSESS YOUR STRESS

WELL-BEING: PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, & MENTAL STRESS-BUSTERS

PHYSICAL HEALTH STRESS-BUSTERS
SIMPLE PHYSICAL & MENTAL WORKOUTS WORK
RELAXATION & MINDFULNESS
STRESS-BUSTING ATTITUDES & MINDSETS
MOOD STRESS-BUSTERS
MENTAL ILLNESS STRESS BUSTERS
GET HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT

RELATIONSHIP & FAMILY STRESS-BUSTERS

RELATIONSHIP & FAMILY CONFLICT STRESS-BUSTERS
BUSTING STRESS WITH THE CHILDREN
CONNECTING WITH YOUR KIDS OVER THE HOLIDAYS
SEPARATION & DIVORCE STRESS-BUSTERS
STEP-FAMILY STRESS-BUSTERS
BEREAVEMENT & GRIEVING OVER THE HOLIDAYS
MOURNING THE LOSS OF THE PAST YEAR
LONELINESS & ISOLATION STRESS-BUSTERS
USING SOCIAL SUPPORTS AS STRESS-BUSTERS

TIME & MONEY STRESS-BUSTERS

FINANCIAL STRESS-BUSTERS
TIME PRESSURE STRESS-BUSTERS
GIFT-GIVING STRESS-BUSTERS
SHOPPING STRESS-BUSTERS
HOLIDAY MEAL STRESS-BUSTERS

ADDITIONAL STRESS-BUSTERS

COUNTER COMMERCIALISM
EXAMINE YOUR TRADITIONS
TRAVELING STRESS-BUSTERS
SOME ADDITIONAL STRESS BUSTERS
DO ONE THING DIFFERENT
HOLIDAY STRESS-BUSTING RESOURCE GUIDE
SHARE YOUR STRESS BUSTING TIPS!

Pick yours up today at bardos.net/HolidayStressBusters

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Life Choices

2008-09-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

From the web: "Life decisions that people have to make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way. Consider the following two important choices...

1. Should I get a dog...

...or have children one day?"

From me: Before you do either, get training. Training in how to effectively discipline the dog or the children to either (hopefully) prevent such incidents and/or to effectively manage these incidents without killing anyone. I do Parent Training. It's formal, systematic and customized. Best of all it's effective. It's based in the best evidence-based practices and real life "in the trenches" experience. You're welcome to attend my upcoming FREE workshop "Parenting Tips from the Trenches" as my guest on October 1, 2008 at 8:00 p.m. MST. For more details see my speaking calendar. Other options: Enroll in the Parenting Mastery Action Group or engage in individual/couple's parenting coaching sessions with me. To do either, contact me directly at 801.787.8014 or jonathan@TheMarriageAcademy.com.

---[NOTE: If you receive this only as the abbreviated eZine version of The Great Relationships Blog then read the full blog here to get more ideas, tips, resources and strategies for creating greatness in your relationships.]---

Hanging with the Fam

2008-08-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

July in Utah is big. I mean crazy big. Utah goes all out. Not only do we celebrate the Fourth of July, we also celebrate Pioneer Day on the 24th of July. Every city, large and small, has their "Days": Steel Days, Fiesta Days, Swiss Days, etc. Each with their own festival, often with parades, a carnival, fireworks, picnics, car shows, music, outdoor movies, rodeos and all kinds of celebrations and activities for families. This last month I saw at least four different fireworks displays each one bigger or as big as the last.

My two older children are at the age and stage of life where they're preferring to hang with their friends. So during our town's Steel Days festivities I got to hang out with my younger two children (while my wife took a much needed break). They walked/rode in the Children's Parade, we ate lots of yummy bad food at the Children's Fair, and we went to the City of Fun Carnival (FYI: if you've ever seen the movie The Sandlot then it's the exact same carnival you saw there and it was filmed in our town, American Fork, during Steel Days. Pretty cool, eh? So there's our claim to fame!). Great time hanging with the family.

Several years ago, a neighbor asked my wife, Kara, "So what are Jon's hobbies? What does he do for fun?" She told him simply, "When Jon comes home, after seeing me, he seeks out the kids and plops down and starts playing with them. That's what he loves to do. That's his fun. I guess that's his hobby: Our kids."

My wife's observation of me made me feel great. I didn't quite realize that myself, but it was true—and still is. Hanging with the fam is my preferred activity. I realize though, that that's not the case for everyone—That many good people struggle with finding joy in hanging with their fams. And I'm not sharing this to say, "Look how great I am" though you're more than welcome to look. ;-) I am sharing this to say that I attribute our relationship success to many great TEACHINGS and many great MENTORS and many great PRACTICES and many great DECISIONS. Those same great teachings, mentors, practices and decisions are available to you as well. The great relationship is in your reach. I have distilled these teachings, practices and decisions into the following publications (all are available at www.bardos.net/products):

Take the time to learn from the best down-to-earth practices that I've gleaned from long personal and professional experience combined with the best research- and evidence-based approaches that really work. Take the time to create an atmosphere where hanging with the family brings out the best in you and you in them.

Parenting: Avoiding Power Struggles, Part I

2008-07-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

One parent recently contacted me seeking help for a common parenting problem: Power struggles. She stated that her child thinks she’s the boss, is defiant, does the opposite of what’s asked, and ignores her. Sound familiar? She lamented, as many of us have, “We’ve tried everything” and admitted that they end up resorting to yelling even though they know that’s not helpful.

Here is just some of the counsel we discussed that she found helpful in disengaging from the power struggles by establishing a clear structure of parental authority that is respectful, consistent and effective.

1. Good answers are rarely easy answers.
We first set the stage by orienting her and her husband about creating effective and lasting change. I informed that I was assuming that they were ready to make some changes and that they were not looking for easy answers. I encouraged them to hear my suggestions without getting defensive, as I am not one to pull punches, as there are no easy answers to parenting and effective parenting often requires that we re-write some long-held beliefs and practices that simply don’t work. I have found that easy answers = sloppy results. The good news, though, is that there are very good answers that work really well. These are harder to apply, but the results are great.

2. Try a few things well vs. everything poorly.
I know many parents who've said they've "tried everything" having read plenty of books and so forth. However, I have yet to meet anyone who's tried everything. For example, this parent stated they watched a popular parenting video and complained that it didn’t work. We discussed that “watching” the video and applying the ideas for a few days as they did just didn't cut it. I challenged them to apply the video's principles on a regular and consistent basis.

There are many great parenting books and videos out there. My encouragement is to take the parenting book of your choice and apply this formula: Study the basics + practice, practice, practice them into the ground until you have “overlearned” them into habits. Then read and re-read this book several times instead of flitting from one approach to the next. Stick to one great book until you have that approach down.

3. Who's the boss?
A child is only the boss when the parents have set it up that they are not. By not clearly establishing who the parents are and who the children are parents let their children “take over.” Any child will act this way when their parents let them. I see it all the time. I don’t blame kids for taking as much power as they can get as it’s not the child’s responsibility to establish the structure in the home.

The solution here lies in finding out why you and your spouse resist setting clear, predictable and consistent limits for your child. This may require a hard look at yourselves, which is rarely fun. Do either of you feel guilty in your parenting for some real or imagined reason? Are either of you afraid she won't like you? Do you want to be her friend more than her parent? What else? While these are difficult questions to face they are crucial for you to make the changes you want to create for you and your child.

4. One...two...three...three-and-a-half...
"1-2-3 Magic" is a great approach that many have found effective. However, it only works if "three" means three every single time. Rarely do I see three = three. More commonly, three = "three-and-a-half, three-and-three-quarters...I mean it! Really, this is your last chance... Four...Five...When I get to ten you're going to be in big trouble, mister!" This isn't rocket science. Three must mean three. It must not mean an extra chance, but simply that the child is "out." There is a lot more too this approach, but check this aspect first as many parents continue giving chances upon chances upon chances. Kids learn a message we aren't intending to send: that our word as parents is meaningless and that we aren't really in charge. This is where the counting strategy falls apart most frequently. Basically keep it three strikes and she's out. The third strike in baseball is never another chance no matter how much the batter whines, begs or screams. Keep it simple, clear, and predictable for both yourselves and your child.

5. Keep encouraged.
My final word is always one of encouragement. I applaud parents and encourage them in their willingness to reach out for help from those who can help them (their own parents, mentors, therapists and parenting coaches such as myself, books, videos, audio, etc.). The good news is there is much parents can do. There is much that you can do. There is much, much more to each one of these points I've made than I have the space to write here. I wish you both much success in your parenting!

Watch the next column for the Part II where we will look at six more strategies: 1. Not recreating the wheel; 2. Getting clear with parenting rules at home; 3. Using best practices; 4. Making “No” stick; 5. The futility of yelling; and 6. Putting it all into practice.

A call for readers’ ideas

I encourage readers to call 801.787.8014 or email me at jonathan@bardos.net and let me know what ideas, approaches, strategies, mindsets, philosophies, and tips they have found successful in your parenting and I will be happy to share those ideas in a future column.

For more information on stress-busting, mindfulness practices, stress management workshops, relationship and parenting workshops and/or to subscribe to the free Great Relationships eZine contact your stress-busting pal, Jonathan at Bardos Relationship Consulting: 801.787.8014, jonathan@bardos.net or visit bardos.net. Also, The Great Relationships Workbook is now available at www.bardos.net. It is full of the best articles, worksheets, tips and exercises to help you create greatness in your relationships.

Fathers' Day Picture Says 1,000 Words

2008-06-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

We just returned from a two week road trip to see family in the Smokey Mountains of Tenesee and in Washington, D.C. While in D.C. we attended church on Fathers' Day with my cousin's family where I spied this dad zonked out with his little guy on the foyer couch. Been there. This picture says so much.

As a father of two girls and two boys I caught as many desperate cat naps as I could snag wherever and whenever I could. This father and his baby boy brought a lot back and I felt for him: For his exhaustion, and for the sublime honor and pleasure to be so entrusted with such a profound little life.

I don't know anything else about this guy as a father—whether he's a patient, nurturing man or short-tempered and distant. I do know this scene though. I do know this moment. I do know the desire of wanting so badly to be a good dad and not always knowing how to do that. I'm sure he's doing his best though and for that I wish to honor this anonymous father.

Father is a powerful word and Fathers' Day can be a powerful focal point. Fathers' Day can be a time for joyous celebration of the great men in your life who taught you how to be a man, a husband, a father. Or it can be a bitter reminder of the power of masculinity poorly and even abusively applied. Or it can be both. Depending on the kind of man your father was makes Fathers' Day a joy or a trial.

I have often pondered with my clients (and with myself) the scriptural injunction to "Honor thy father and thy mother." Unfortunately, many people's father's choices and behaviors were heinous and destructive and so very far from honorable. How does one "honor" such a father then? The answer that makes the most sense to me and the one that brings me a sense of both freedom and peace is the simplest: Whether your father was honorable or dishonorable you honor them by simply doing better than they did.

Yes, giving fathers due respect and acknowledgment is wonderful, of course. And certainly learning from them and carrying on the good that they have taught is wise. However, what every parent wants most for their children (to the point of wanting it so bad for them it aches) is simply for them to do better than they did; to have what they didn't have; to be wiser, smarter, more capable; to simply be happy.

So to honor my fathers (my biological father, my step-father, my many grand- and great grandfathers, and certainly my Heavenly Father) I try to learn from their wisdom and from their folly. I try to do better than they did or than they knew. The simplest way, and most profound way I have found to do this is to invest my heart, mind and soul into loving my children's mother and honor her with words, commitment, friendship and service. Doing so has provided for my children a secure home they need and thrive in. Further, by loving my children, my treasures, through continuing to develop my patience, my ability to be fully present with them, and making sure they know without a doubt that their dad is absolutely crazy about them then I am able to not only honor my fathers but also honor myself as a father by teaching my children, through example, how to do it well. From that example, I trust that my dear ones will improve upon my abilities in their own unique ways for their own children.

So, reflecting on Fathers' Day I wish to express: A simple "thank you" to my fathers; My deepest gratitude to my children for teaching me how to father them, and; My love forever to my wife for making me a father by giving me the four greatest joys of my life.

And to the unknown sleeping dad and son pictured above I just wish to say, "Keep up the good work. It looks like you're off to a great start."

Momma Songs

2008-05-11T02:12:00.002-07:00

Every year for Mother's Day I put together a CD for the mother of my treasures (aka the kids) called Momma Songs. These usually contain songs related to being a mom (serious and silly, rockin' and meaningful) and usually some love songs that reflect my love, ongoing attraction and gratitude for my wife and friend. This year I put together two: One just with mother-related songs and one with love-related songs. I thought I'd share the playlists with you in case you'd like to share a song or two with the woman in your life who makes it all alright. Give mom's due props!

2008 Momma Songs-Kids

Mama Said Knock You Out • LL Cool J
That's Alright Mama • Elvis Presley
I'll Always Love My Momma • The O'Jays
I'm The Only Hell (My Momma Ever Raised) • Johnny Paycheck
Mother And Child Reunion [Live] • Paul Simon with The Jessy Dixon Singers, Paul Simon In Concert - Live Rhymin' [1974]
Simple Man • Lynyrd Skynyrd
Take Your Mama Out • Scissor Sisters
Jesus and Mama • Confederate Railroad
Mama Said • The Shirelles
Momma, I'm Coming Home • Ozzy Osbourne
Good Mother • Jann Arden
Our House • Crosby Stills Nash and Young

2008 Momma Songs-Love

I'm Yours • Jason Mraz
Hey Leonardo (she likes me for me) • Blessid Union Of Souls
I'll Be • Edwin Mccain
You Sexy Thing • Hot Chocolate
1000 Kisses • Will Smith feat. Jada
Happy Everafter In Your Eyes • Ben Harper
Sunshine Of Your Love • Cream
Sugar Sugar • Archies
She's Always A Woman To Me • Billy Joel
She Is His Only Need • Wynonna Judd
These Are The Moments • Edwin McCain
Everything • Michael Bublé
Passionate Kisses • Mary Chapin Carpenter
Something • The Beatles
I Feel Fine • The Beatles
I Love you Just the Way you Are • Billy Joel
At Last • Joss Stone
Hug Hug • Clip from the Nacho Libre Soundtrack
She's Got a Way • Billy Joel
I Walk the Line • Johnny Cash
Thank You • Led Zeppelin
Aint No Sunshine • Al Green

Marriage in the Colosseum

2008-03-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sure by now many of you have seen this clip from the show The Moment of Truth.

Just another sad example of how careless and hapless people can be with marriage. Oh, and I'm not just talking about the woman in this clip and I'm not just talking about this show. I'm talking about us. About our society. About you and me. How many watch this show, and shows like it, for sport? Big ratings and big money! For sport we watch and we cheer for human suffering! Oh, yes, we are SO much more civilized than the ancient Romans who for entertainment watched with glee as people were killed and tortured for sport in the Colosseum. Listen to the thoughtless crowd thirsting for blood as they cheer the destruction of this marriage and these people's lives. Yea! Hoorah! We truly are an "advanced" civilization. How proud I feel.

Not only are social supports for marriage NOT around, but now there are socially-sanctioned entertainments designed to do just the opposite. Pa-thet-ic.

Exercise: Watch the clip again but this time pay attention to the audience. More importantly, pay attention to your own reactions.... What do your reactions say? How engrossed were you in the marital and societal train wreck? Did you cheer?

The kicker for me is the host who ends with the "moral" lesson: "I honestly believe that some truths are better left unsaid...that's why I host this abysmally and morally bankrupt show so I can both say one thing and mean another." Brother!

So what say you? Comment below...

Peace, Jonathan

Looking for an alternative to the above? The Marriage Academy is all about helping people LEARN how to create truly great relationships. I hope to see you there!

The Next "Survivor" Series: Survival Mom

2008-03-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

My wife's co-worker and chum Penny sent this to her and Kara then sent it to me. Men, I hope you express LOADS of appreciation to your wife today!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled andinconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character oncartoons.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must tryto get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-year-old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the homewith no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 am and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are
better.

They must have a loving, age-appropriate reply to, 'You're not the boss of me'.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if ... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

After you get done laughing, send this to as manyfemales as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.

Husband Training 101

2008-02-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

I'm giving a presentation called "Husband Training 101" in my old Michigan stompin' grounds next week for my step-mom's Women's Conference. Some people have recoiled against the choice of word "training" as they think it sounds demeaning somehow--like training a dog (what's demeaning about training a dog? Okay, I know, I get it--the problem is that I'm supposedly comparing husbands to dogs. Am I? No, I are one! Husband, not dog, that is...). My point is that good training in ANY aspect of life tends towards mucho better results (sports, work, school, and yes, marriage, family, parenting AND even husbands).

But, what do you think? Add a comment below.

My reasoning is simply based on the very definition of training (bolds and CAPS added by me...):

train•ing |ˈtrāni ng | noun
the ACTION of TEACHING a person or animal a particular SKILL or type of BEHAVIOR: in-service training for staff. • the ACTION of undertaking a COURSE of EXERCISE and diet (i.e., DISCIPLINE) in PREPARATION for a sporting EVENT (i.e., marriage or family life): you'll have to go into strict training.
Phrases: IN (or out of) TRAINING undergoing (or no longer undergoing) physical (or RELATIONSHIP) training for a sporting event. • physically (or RELATIONALLY) FIT (or unfit) as a RESULT of the AMOUNT of training one has UNDERTAKEN.

Yeah, heaven forbid we get trained in our roles as husbands to be well-prepared and skilled. Heaven forbid wives learn effective and respectful training methods to teach particular skills or preferred types of behaviors. Instead, let's continue to argue, fight, and bicker and/or continue to stonewall, shut down and ignore each other all of which is much less demeaning than "training."

Rant out.

Come see me! If you're in Kalamazoo, MI on March 8th or 9th come check out my FREE (yea!) presentations: "Stress and Anxiety: Mastering Strong Emotions"; "Husband Training 101"; and "Building Strong Families with 'ACCCTS'". Go to My Speaking Cal for more details. Do it!

"When I Said I Do" Clint Black & Lisa Hartman-Black

2008-02-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

Few "romantic" songs have anything to do about real, lasting, committed love. This song epitomizes what The Marriage Academy and "greatness in relationships" is all about. Enjoy.

Peace,
Jonathan